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The Royal Wedding is almost here and I don’t really give a shit.

I mean no disrespect.

Love is great and stuff. I hope those crazy kids are happy forever, or whatever. I’m totally on board with the idea this is important to people.

First, I get that the British love their monarchic, colonial traditions like weak chins and pretending not to be complicit in the continuing geopolitics of slavery.

Second, as a gay man, I’d never deny anyone joy brought about by an abundance of extravagant hats and uniforms. Spectacle is always respectable!

So, no judgment if you’re into it. That said…

It’s hard for me to get jazzed up about some ginger with an accent who I ultimately don’t care about marrying some woman whose name I routinely confuse with that of a German prime minister, which will result in them being (ax2 + bx + c)th to the throne of a country I only actively care about through the lens of professional soccer.

The closest I can get to giving a shit is empathizing over their lack of say in their own wedding hashtag.

Which is a flimsy bridge into what I really want to write about:

Fake royal weddings and their subsequent details!

The Top 5 Royal Weddings I Would Actually Care About

5. John King and Larry King

Season: Winter

Location: Studio One

Theme: This is Our Good Side

What They Would Wear: Power Ties

Wedding Hashtag: #24HourLoveCycle

4. Elvis “The King” Presley and B.B. King

Season: Summer

Location: Vegas, Baby!

Theme: Live! One Night Only!

What They Would Wear: Masculine Sequined Tuxedo Jackets

Wedding Hashtag: #ElvisGetsBBed

3. Carole King and Carol Queen

Season: Summer

Location: San Francisco, California

Theme: Sex Positive

What They Would Wear: Sensible Shoes

Wedding Hashtag: #YouveGotMoreThanAFriend

2. Steve McQueen and Alexander McQueen

Season: Fashion Week

Location: Berlin / Heaven

Theme: Opposites Attract

What They Would Wear: Motorcycle Leathers

Wedding Hashtag: #EEqualsMCQueenSquared

1. LeBron “King” James and Stephen King

Season: The Off-Season

Location: Akron, Ohio

Theme: Love is Scary

What They Would Wear: Matching Headbands
Wedding Hashtag: #ITPaysToBeTheKing

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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