The Royal Wedding is almost here and I don’t really give a shit.
I mean no disrespect.
Love is great and stuff. I hope those crazy kids are happy forever, or whatever. I’m totally on board with the idea this is important to people.
First, I get that the British love their monarchic, colonial traditions like weak chins and pretending not to be complicit in the continuing geopolitics of slavery.
Second, as a gay man, I’d never deny anyone joy brought about by an abundance of extravagant hats and uniforms. Spectacle is always respectable!
It’s hard for me to get jazzed up about some ginger with an accent who I ultimately don’t care about marrying some woman whose name I routinely confuse with that of a German prime minister, which will result in them being (ax2 + bx + c)th to the throne of a country I only actively care about through the lens of professional soccer.
The closest I can get to giving a shit is empathizing over their lack of say in their own wedding hashtag.
Which is a flimsy bridge into what I really want to write about:
Fake royal weddings and their subsequent details!
Location: Studio One
Theme: This is Our Good Side
What They Would Wear: Power Ties
Wedding Hashtag: #24HourLoveCycle
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Theme: Live! One Night Only!
What They Would Wear: Masculine Sequined Tuxedo Jackets
Wedding Hashtag: #ElvisGetsBBed
Location: San Francisco, California
Theme: Sex Positive
What They Would Wear: Sensible Shoes
Wedding Hashtag: #YouveGotMoreThanAFriend
Season: Fashion Week
Location: Berlin / Heaven
Theme: Opposites Attract
What They Would Wear: Motorcycle Leathers
Wedding Hashtag: #EEqualsMCQueenSquared
Season: The Off-Season
Location: Akron, Ohio
Theme: Love is Scary
What They Would Wear: Matching Headbands
Wedding Hashtag: #ITPaysToBeTheKing