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To: Boulder, CO
Subject: Wanted: Outdoorsy, Athletic, Green

Look, Boulder. I have a long-standing, predictable relationship with Washington, D.C, and I’m not the type of guy that fucking bros around with just any place. Like, maybe I see them, chill with them, and fantasize, you know? But I never actually move there. Especially not to towns like you with the diversity of a Belle and Sebastian concert.

All that aside, you’re a pretty chill dude.

For starters – you’re fucking yoked. You got the Flatiron rock formations keeping reality at bay. You’ve got those flat Great Plains abs that meet the chiseled and majestic Rocky Mountains. Remind me to get that upper body WOD from you.

You’re not all traps and delts, though.

You’ve got a squad of chill people around, too. At first, I was skeptical. I thought the combination of lower gravity and gravity bongs had corrupted everyone’s ability to temper their optimism. How else would you explain the willingness to purchase everything from organic rhubarb to a wearable sleeping bag as long as it provides a poor child in Africa with free yoga training?

But, shit, this place is a Change.org petition’s wet dream. Your people are so involved. They don’t sweat the trivial shit because they’re too focused on the big picture: saving the whole fucking world.

By the way – D.C. gets jealous of how progressive you are and wouldn’t appreciate me writing you, so let’s keep this on the DL for now.

Stay chill af,

JMH


To: Boulder, CO
Subject: Better check your chakras bro…

Bro, what in the name of the Four Hour Workweek was that all about?

I’m happy to fake my way through a mega quintuple pale ale and shit pure hops for days if it helps us get along better, but when I went to pay for the beer, you got real weird talking about “the three ways we can accept payment.

I can handle a $1 ATM fee since you’re “cash only” because #OccupyWallStreet and all.

But you got real presumptuous when you dropped, “We can take checks, but they have to be local checks.” My blank stare should have relayed that you should pump the brakes on this crazy hippie wagon, but you just kept truckin’… talking about paying my tab through your karma system and I can send back a payment in this pre-stamped envelope at any time?!

You can’t just whip your giant, white, grass-fed dick out and try to chillfuck me on the first date, bro. You should probably #OccupyAShower instead.

I’m not sure what kind of freewheeling relationship you think this is, but you need to step off.

-JMH


To: Boulder, CO (greenerfitterfasterstronger@boulder.gov)
Subject: You make me feel like a natural bro-man…

Yo, yesterday I was tripping a bit. It’s the Philadelphia in me that gets suspicious and uncomfortable around anyone that’s freethinking – like vegans or film students or people that order burritos at Wawa.

But I appreciate you pulling out all the stops to make up for that incident in the brewery. You must really want me to stick around.

I mean in one day you served me up a veggie-loaded breakfast sandwich in Chautauqua Park, planned a free Afrofusion concert downtown, and led me to an affordable grass-fed AND grass-finished burger on Pearl Street.

You really know how to make a bro feel chill af.

I’ll hit you up in a bit – I’m just finishing up my burger.

Deuces,

-JMH


To: Boulder, CO
Subject: Fuck your trees, Charlie Murphy

You creepy trustafarian cult leader piece of shit. I am not that type of guy.

You sucked me in with your REI megamalls and your THC-laced wool socks, but then you had the giant, sweaty balls to introduce yet another street performer, donning a plastic half-Earth globe hat singing “If you love this tree…”.

You know what? I will use the karma payment system. I will burn down every tree in Chautauqua Park and send you the ashes in that karma envelope you gave me.

-Jared

P.S. Oh yea, I lied. I wasn’t high from your pot brownie this morning because I’m a fucking adult and have shit to do.


To: Boulder, CO,
Subject: Yo, thinking of you…

Just bought beef for a camping trip this weekend in Virginia and thought of you. I think the cow was forced-fed corn until it cried to death, and no one even cared.

Miss you bro,
JMH


To: Boulder, CO,
Subject: Whatchu wearing right now?

Please tell me it’s the Patagonia Nano Puff Pants.

-Jared

Jared Hutchinson

Jared Hutchinson thanks you for letting him be Mice Elf for once.

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