Hey all you cool cats & kittens! If you’re reading this from a state that doesn’t have a dipshit governor it means that you’re quarantined. If you have officially run out of things to read on the internet, then I proudly present a mega-special-edition of Power Rankings WITHIN POWER RANKINGS, focusing on some socially distant topics that we all (or just me) can relate to…
Do NOT let the coronavirus distract you from the fact that Carole Baskin murdered her husband in 1997!
If Carole is the most bat shit crazy character in this documentary, than her husband needs to come in No. 2. Many people will disagree with me here—they’ll say that Howard was relatively normal compared to the rest of the cast. Those people are wrong. This man has secrets we can’t begin to conceive.
I couldn’t leave the main character out of the top 3, although I think Joe may have been the most honest one in the show. Is he a psychopath who drugs and basically kidnaps straight teenage boys and makes them his husband? Yeah. Does he clearly abuse and kill animals? Sure. But at least with Joe, what you see is what you get.
Doc is living the dream, assuming your dream is to be married to half a dozen damaged women who you groomed since they were basically children while also killing tigers in your spare time.
The strip club owner turned Jeff Lowe business partner turned snitch isn’t someone you want to trust with your deepest darkest secrets. He still can’t believe his gay jokes didn’t get a laugh from the producers.
Jeff Lowe is No. 6 on this list, but potentially No. 1 if the list was “biggest scumbags on the face of the earth.” My wife’s jaw is still on the floor after he revealed that he will be the father to a baby girl and then immediately told his pregnant wife to get back into the gym.
THE GUY THEY BASED SCARFACE ON WAS ONLY INTERESTING ENOUGH TO APPEAR IN ONE EPISODE OF THIS SHOW!
I really hope Kelci won Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park Employee of the Month when she returned to work a week after a tiger bit her arm off.
“I bet you’re thinking that a tiger did this to my legs…”
Read my mind buddy. But NO, it turns out it was just a zip lining accident. End of story. Actually, no story at all. Probably cut for time. One of the key narrators has no legs due to a horrific accident, but we can’t fit that into the 7 hours Netflix is paying for, so just move along.
Joe’s campaign manager was my favorite character in the show, and it wasn’t close. Something about going from a Walmart manager to running the gubernatorial campaign for a deranged zoo owner really resonated with me.
Meth is a helluva drug…
…Vodka is a helluva drug too.
Definitely not one of the craziest people portrayed, but this man has clearly seen some shit.
If you agreed to marry Carole at any point in her life, you get on this list. You get into the top 15 if you marry Carole when she is a 19 year-old Tampa streetwalker and then open an animal sanctuary to keep her happy.
I can already hear the peanut gallery berating me for putting the ex-con murderer so low on the list. My defense is that as ex-con murderers go, Allen Glover is a basic bitch.
You can almost see the exact moment when Travis (pictured above, the only groom not wearing a hat) realized that this throuple might be a bad idea.
I don’t want to talk shit about a woman who’s son accidentally blew his own brains out on a Netflix documentary, but when she showed up at Joe’s next wedding to another teenage boy I jotted her name down.
She married Jeff Lowe.
Stark is equally as scummy as the other zoo owners, but somehow kept himself somewhat under-the-radar in this doc.
Can somebody please tell these kids that there are easier ways to get somebody to buy you beer!?! Marrying Joe Exotic is not necessary!
They weren’t that ridiculous, but for some reason I thought the way they situated the seating for this interview was hilarious.
She is probably a typical prosecutor, but these intensely dramatic camera angles were special.
She escaped from Camp Antle with her sanity and seemed like a normal person, but if you wear that zebra outfit at any point in your life you make the list.
So I had this all teed up ready to rank the 18 coronavirus diseases that came before the infamous 19th. Unfortunately I am quite stupid, like really dumb, and I subsequently learned that “COVID-19” got its numerical designation because it was discovered in 2019, not because it was preceded by 18 prior coronavirus diseases.
I’m still leaving it in, though, so you can bear witness to my great, stupid idea. Also, because I’m too lazy to come up with an extra topic.
7. Just not having granola today
9. Eating literally anything else