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Upon hearing this week’s “Royal Wedding” prompt, my couldn’t-care-less-about-pop-culture self was really bummed that I’d likely have nothing to say on the subject.

Giving it a good college try, I typed into the Google machine: {royal wedding news}
RESULT: Great, now I know that some last-name-less guy Harry is getting married to the chick from Suits.

Next Google: {what is a royal wedding}
RESULT: {A royal wedding is a marriage ceremony involving members of a royal family.}

More Google: {what does the Royal Family do anymore}
RESULT: {The Queen must be neutral in all political matters and can’t vote, but she does have a ceremonial role in the U.K. government. The purpose of the British Royal Family is procreation; its prime duty is to produce at least one heir to the throne. Each heir has to provide a child that will guarantee the survival of a monarchy that began with Athelstan, the first king of all-England in 926.}

Lastly: {what is the royal family worth}
RESULT {In 2011, Forbes estimated the British Royal Family‘s net worth to be $500 million (£383 million,) made up of property, art, and investments.}

DEDUCTION: The Royal Family is a completely neutral political “essence” that somehow has sex worth $500 million.

THESE FUCKERS HAVE IT MADE. I would love to know what sex worth $500 million feels like.

Fuck $500 million, though.

Here’s my idea of a truly royal wedding:

  • Two people who are open and honest with each other at all times
  • Utter lack of contempt and no fear of judgment
  • Challenging each other respectfully and valuing the challenge the other presents
  • Steadfast and unyielding trust
  • Approval from other people who matter in each other’s lives
  • Mutual respect and accountability
  • Making the other person laugh regularly
  • Being inconceivably OK with knowing that your partner knows all your big life goals, deepest and darkest fears, and seemingly mundane quirks all the way down to your very core, and trusting that they will use this knowledge for the good of the relationship and not themselves
  • Unwavering equality

If you have all this, I think you’ve got a relationship worth way more than $500 million (and you’re probably having sex worth way more than that, anyway.)

Billy Hafferty

Billy Hafferty is probably still hanging out of the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at you.

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