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These are The Prompt’s own weekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

Every so often I find it difficult to find 10 positive things to say about the NFL. During those difficult times I let my dark alter ego take over and rank the worst of the worst…

1. Rookie Quarterbacks

It has been a tough career commencement for the first round picks who have been thrust into starting roles. Trevor Lawrence and Zach Wilson are tied for the league-lead with 7 interceptions apiece, Mac Jones has a QB rating under 80, and Justin Fields’s debut this Sunday was a disaster (6-for-20 for 68 yards). The quarterback quartet is a combined 1-9 in their 10 starts, with the only bright spot being this photoshop of Mac with Trevor’s hair…

…you would.


2. Vaccines

It was a great week for anti-vaxxers in the NFL! Lamar Jackson powered the Ravens to a wild win in Detroit, Cole Beasley led the Bills in receiving with 11 catches for 98 yards, while Kirk Cousins is quietly off to an incredible start. The Vikings QB has 8 touchdowns, zero interceptions and the fourth best QB rating in the league. Makes you wonder how he finds the time to do his own mRNA vaccine research.

3. Everything We Learned From Week 1

I think the healthiest thing for gamblers to do is to erase Week 1 from your brain Men in Black-style. Pretend that those games never happened, because their results are just causing confusion.

Are the Bears better than the Bills? No, of course not. But the Bears beat the Bengals who beat the Steelers who beat the Bills in Week 1.

Is Aaron Rodgers terrible (15-for-28 for 133 yards, 0 TDs and 2 picks in Week 1) or the same old MVP (45-for-60, 516 yards, 6 TDs and 0 picks since then)?

Are the Titans the team that couldn’t do anything at home against the Cardinals or the team that hung 33 on the Seahawks in Seattle?

Best to just forget.

4. Oakland, San Diego, and St. Louis

It must suck to be the former hometowns of three of the hottest teams in the league. The Rams are 3-0 and coming off an impressive win over TB12’s Bucs. The Raiders are also undefeated (see No. 8), and the Chargers just knocked the Chiefs down to LAST PLACE in the AFC West. Come for the weather, stay for the playoffs.

5. Referees

Through the season’s first 48 games the refs have called 733 penalties, the most since… (I still don’t have a stats intern). I’m not sure if its a record pace, but it certainly feels that way. Over 15 penalty stoppages per game doesn’t make for a fun viewing experience, let alone the challenges, replays, or that time once a game where the clock breaks. Kudos to the Rams for only being penalized 8 times so far, and shame to the—you guessed it!—Philadelphia Eagles for being penalized 37 FUCKING TIMES in 3 games!

6. Christian McCaffrey Fantasy Owners

You drafted him No. 1 and he didn’t even make it through 10 quarters of football before he got hurt. Hopefully he can bounce back from this hamstring situation in a few weeks, but for now you’re scrambling to pick up some guy named Chuba Hubbard.

I have to say, Hubbard pronouncing his first name “Chew-bah” instead of “Chub-bah” is really disappointing. C’mon man, give the people what they want.

7. Time Management

Quick PSA: If you possess the ball late in the game and are driving for a go-ahead score, take your time. Don’t score too soon. Do everything in your power to score with as little time left on the clock as possible. It doesn’t matter who the opposing QB is, but especially if they’re a former MVP, don’t give them a chance. We saw the Cowboys screw this up against Brady in the opener, and both the Lions and 49ers screwed it up this week. It’s not that hard, just learn how time works.

8. Gruden Haters

Tough season for you guys so far. Serves you right for disliking such a gem. We don’t deserve a man who enjoys football this much.

9. Ben Roethlisberger

I’m going to save my Big Ben eulogy for when he announces his retirement in October, but for now I’ll just say that it’s sad to watch another QB who was drafted years after Tom Brady declining this poorly.

10. Probably My Week 4 Picks

Thursday Teaser (0-2): Bengals -1.5 + Over 40

Moneyline Parlay (1-1): Titans -350 + Chiefs -320 + Bucs -300 (+125)

Lock of the Week (2-0): Raiders +3.5 “@” Chargers

Survivor Pool Pick: Bills

Also Receiving Votes: Kickers Not Named Justin Tucker, Football Telecasts Without Pat McAfee, Washington’s Defense, The Jets’ Offense, Matt Nagy’s Game Plans, and The Eagles’ Coach Who Will Be Fired Soon So I’m Not Going To Bother Learning His Name.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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