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Welcome back to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. New Orleans Saints

On paper, Sunday’s Rams-Saints meeting looked like the game of the year. On the field it was even better. New Orleans fed off the home crowd and won the shootout 45-35, dealing Hollywood their first loss of the season. The Rams are no longer undefeated, and no longer the #1 seed in the NFC, as the 7-1 Saints now hold the tiebreaker.

Fantasy nerds who owned pieces of either team were happy, as all the skill position players put up huge numbers. Alvin Kamara outscored Todd Gurley—3 touchdowns to 2—while Michael Thomas led all receivers with 211 yards. Thomas also led all players in celebrating, as he pulled a planted cellphone out of the goal post after scoring a TD that all but sealed the game. It was a funny move, but the charade still drew a 15-yard penalty, as well as a stern reprimand from Troy Aikman and Joe Buck in the Fox booth. GET OFF THEIR LAWN!

2. New England Patriots

NBC did their best to hype the Sunday night game as some legendary showdown between two “GOATs.” The problem is, the term “Greatest of All Time” is not plural. There can only be one player regarded as the GOAT. We didn’t need a November regular season game to settle the debate; the debate has been settled for years.

Still, it was fun to watch Tom Brady perform surgery on the Packers defense while Aaron Rodgers had a mediocre night. The reason the Pats won 31-17 was not because of injuries or fumbles or home field advantage, it was because of this: In the fourth quarter, Brady went 6-6 for 104 yards and touchdown, while Rodgers went 2-7 for 15 yards and no scores when they needed them most.

Normally I would say “STOP THE FIGHT! THE MAN HAS A FAMILY!” but in Rodgers’ case I guess that doesn’t apply… sad.

3. Kansas City Chiefs

The Patriots have won six games in a row, but the Chiefs still hold the #1 seed in the AFC with their 8-1 record. Their latest victory came in Cleveland, where they put up 37 points behind big days from Patrick Mahomes, Kareem Hunt, and Travis Kelce.

Now that we’re more than halfway through the season, we should pause and admire what the Chiefs have done offensively this year. In their 9 games they have scored 38, 42, 38, 27, 30, 43, 45, 30 and 37… that is 327 total. The Cardinals, Bills and Jaguars have combined to score 340. KC will host the Rams on Monday night in a couple weeks, and I’m predicting an over/under of 69.5 (or as Gronk would say, “HA! Nice.5”)

4. Bubble Teams

Now that we’re into November its time for way-too-early playoff predictions. The teams pictured here are going to make things complicated.

The Falcons had a miserable 1-4 start, but have now won 3 in a row after Sunday’s blowout in Washington. They have a couple winnable games (in Cleveland, home for the Cowboys) before a Thanksgiving showdown in New Orleans.

The Panthers have also won 3 straight, making for a crowded NFC South. They will be tested tonight (or last night… I don’t know when you’ll read this) in Pittsburgh.

The Vikings have won 4 of 5 and sit half a game back of the Bears (because of that pesky tie in their record). Minnesota has back-to-back Sunday night games in Chicago and vs. the Packers, so we should have a clearer picture of the NFC North after November 25th.

Finally, the Chargers might be the most impressive of the non-division leaders. They are on a 5-game winning streak, with their only losses of the season at the hands of the Chiefs and Rams. It is entirely possible that the Los Angeles San Diego Chargers are the fifth best team in the NFL… but like I said, it is WAY too soon to make playoff predictions!






AFC: 1-Pats, 2-Chiefs, 3-Steelers, 4-Texans, 5-Chargers, 6-Ravens…
Ravens over Steelers, Chargers over Texans, Pats over Ravens, Chargers over Chiefs, Pats over Chargers…

NFC: 1-Rams, 2-Saints, 3-Vikings, 4-Eagles, 5-Panthers, 6-Packers…
Vikings over Packers, Panthers over Eagles, Rams over Panthers, Vikings over Saints, Rams over Vikings…

Super Bowl LIII: Patriots 41-Rams 38

5. The Houston Texans’ Schedule

I was going to include the Texans in the “Hot Sleeper” category, but then I just saw the teams that they beat over their 6-game win streak.

They are probably going to win the AFC South, so congrats, I suppose. It’s tough to take a team seriously after they lose to the Giants… I’m comfortable with them as the predicted one-and-done 4-seed.

6. Whichever Team Plays Against Nathan Peterman

The Bears went into Buffalo and won 41-9, but the story here is not the Bears. The story, or more accurately the tragedy, is Nathan Peterman. I’m sure Nate is a nice guy, so I hate to pile on, but dude… YOU SUCK AT PLAYING FOOTBALL! Peterman’s career touchdown-to-interception ratio is 1:4 (3 TDs & 12 picks). In the 8 career games in which Peterman has played the Bills have been outscored 264-81. Peterman threw more TD passes to the Bears than he did to his own team!

There are a lot more bad stats but now I just feel bad for the guy. Stop man… just stop.

7. James Conner

Talk about getting brutally replaced. As Le’Veon Bell’s holdout enters it’s third month, it is becoming clear that his team doesn’t want him back. The reason the Steelers don’t want him to come back is that they don’t need him to come back, thanks to his replacement. Conner has not only filled in admirably, he has thrived as Pittsburgh’s RB1. He is second behind Todd Gurley in both rushing yards (706) and rushing touchdowns (9).

Live Look-In at Bell Fantasy Owners:

8. Philly’s Bye Week

Nothing beats a little R&R, especially when you can sit back and watch your division rivals lose. The Eagles are a disappointing 4-4, but the NFC East lead is in reach after the Redskins got torched by the Falcons and the Cowboys lost on Monday night to the Titans. Maybe all the Wentz Wagon needed was a little time in the garage before embarking on a strong 2nd half of the season.

9. Grey’s Anatomy, Young Sheldon, Will & Grace, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Chris Cuomo, Bucks vs. Celtics, Temple vs. UCF, DRL Drone Racing, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, Alaskan Bush People, and anything else that aired last week during Thursday Night Football

If you watched the entire Raiders-49ers game and you are not Nick Mullens’s mother then you have a problem. Nobody should like football that much. I spend hours every week making shitty Microsoft Paint pictures to express my feelings about the NFL, and I am telling you to get a life.

10. Gamblers

If you bet on pro football and didn’t win this weekend, then its time to retire. If you couldn’t make money Week 9 of 2018, then you don’t deserve to place another bet for the rest of eternity.

Vegas got absolutely HOSED on Sunday, a rare dominating weekend for the idiot public. The popular favorites (Patriots, Vikings, Chiefs, Bears, Panthers) all won and covered. The popular road dogs (Chargers, Falcons, Steelers) all won outright. This means that most every teaser, parlay, and moneyline bet paid out. It was a glorious day for degenerates everywhere.

We can’t wait to give it all back.

Also Receiving Votes: Brock Osweiler’s Agent, Dion Lewis, Unemployed Kickers in the San Diego (L.A.) Area, Unemployed Coaches in the Greater Dallas-Ft. Worth Area, and Fitzmagic.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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