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These are The Prompt’s own “weekly” NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Underdogs

Just when you thought you had the NFL figured out, we have a week like that. Unless you picked the Colts on Thursday night…

…you were probably eliminated from your Survivor pool. The Broncos stunned the Cowboys; the Giants took down the Raiders; and the Titans beat the ever-living shit out of the Rams. However the nuttiest outcome of Week 9 went down in Jacksonville where the Jags somehow kept the Bills out of the end zone and beat the AFC favorites 9-6. Urban Meyer deserves a night out to celebrate, don’t you think?

2. Those Motherfucking New England Patriots

I’ve been saying for weeks that this team is better than their record. They were the best 2-4 team in the history of football. They are now a few silly plays away from being 8-1. They have a great defense, dominant running game, and a QB who doesn’t make many mistakes and can sling it when necessary.

I can see them finishing 11-6, which should mean a playoff berth. A staggering amount of teams—the Pats, Bills, Browns, Bengals, Steelers, and the entire AFC West—have 5 wins. The second half of the season is going to be crazy, but have fun betting against Bill Belichick.

3. Monday Night Stripes

Did you all stay up late to watch the refs on Monday night? If not, you should have. They put on a great show! In this episode there was one team (the Bears) who were playing better than the other team (the Steelers), but every time the Bears did something good the refs called an inappropriately vague penalty. ALMOST AS IF THE GAME WAS FIXED! It was a gas.

4. Kyrie Irving

Which dumbass athlete was ridiculed all week for their incoherent and misinformed stance on the COVID vaccine? Not Kyrie Irving!

5. Aaron Rodgers

Despite being ridiculed for his incoherent and misinformed stance on the COVID vaccine it was actually a good week for Rodgers. Jordan Love proved that he is absolutely not ready to be a starting QB, while Aaron was only fined $14,650. He makes roughly $40,000 every time he throws a pass, so I think he’ll survive this. Coincidently, “I think I’ll survive this” is probably what a lot of people say before they die of COVID.

6. Baker Mayfield

How did the Browns’ QB respond when their star* wide receiver forced his way out of town? By posting a near-perfect passer rating and dropping 41 points on the Bengals. This is clearly his team and the win has them back in the playoff picture.

* = By “star” I mean “was a star in 2016” sort of like how Kevin Spacey is a “movie star.”

7. Bucs’ Bye-cation

Not only did Tompa get some rest this week, the Bucs also made significant gains in the NFC standings. The Saints loss gives the Bucs a full game lead in the South, while the Cowboys, Rams, and Packers all fell behind in the race for the No. 1 seed. Good for Brady, the guy really needed something to break his way.

8. Colt McCoy

Earlier this year I was passively watching the Chiefs-Chargers game and heard Jim Nantz proclaim that Patrick Mahomes’s pass had been picked off by Asante Samuel. My first thought was Wow, I didn’t know that he was still in the league… before realizing it was his son that had recorded the interception. On Sunday, when I heard that Colt McCoy was starting for the Cardinals my first thought was Wow, I didn’t know that Colt McCoy’s kid was in the league already… before realizing that it was the same Colt McCoy that quarterbacked the Texas Longhorns in 2006. AND HE WON! Bizarro World indeed.

9. Lamar Jackson Fantasy Owners

120 yards rushing is a great day for a running back, but Lamar sweetens the pot with 266 passing yards, and 3 touchdowns. All in a (September-December) day’s work for Mr. Regular Season.

10. Week 10 Survivor Pick

(Used Bucs, Packers, Broncos, Bills, Patriots, Rams, Cardinals, Chiefs, Colts)


Also Receiving Votes: Jonathan Taylor, Matty Ice, James Conner Fantasy Owners, Sandy and Stewy

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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