The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 7 – Through the Fog

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Bill Belichick

Fog forms when the difference between air temperature and dew point is less than 4 degrees Fahrenheit. In other words, the Patriots will be fined $100K and will forfeit their 2018 second round draft pick for the shit they pulled on Sunday night.

While many of us assumed that the low cloud surrounding the Super Bowl rematch was just a weather abnormality, Falcons receiver Julio Jones knew the truth: Bill Belichick will stop at nothing to get a victory. What happens when his Patriots take an early lead against a team that relies on the vertical passing game? Bring in the fog! Ruthless.

In all seriousness though, the Pats are back. It won’t be pretty this year, the offense will continue to look sluggish without Edelman as it’s timing mechanism and 1st down machine, but they will score. The defense will continue to struggle to cover guys without much of a pass rush, but they will get stops. Belichick benched high-priced CB signing Stephon Gilmore with a phantom concussion and replaced him with Johnson Bademosi. The message was clear, you get with the program or you don’t play, a move similar to the Jamie Collins trade of last season. As per usual, the road to the Super Bowl will likely go through Foxboro.

2. Jack Del Rio’s Balls

It seems like forever ago, but the Chiefs and Raiders played the game of the year on Thursday night. It may not have been the prettiest contest of the season, but it was certainly the most exciting. Those of you who managed to stay awake were treated to a WILD final drive that included at least five or six do-or-die plays. Pretty sure there were three snaps after time expired.

While Del Rio didn’t make any crazy ballsy calls, he did coach his team to an absolute must-win over a Chiefs team that was undefeated 10 days ago. Also, been way too long since I used this pic.

3. Philadelphia Eagles

Speaking of shamelessly re-using artwork… ALL ABOARD THE WAGON (AGAIN)! A fifth straight win has set the Iggles apart as the only 1-loss team in the league. Carson Wentz is already a legitimate star and is playing MVP-caliber football. While Philly may not be the best team in football they are certainly the most consistent. They also have that “horseshoe-up-the-ass” vibe which is critical to any substantial playoff run. Case and point:

4. Los Angeles Football

For the last few weeks it seems like Hollywood can do no wrong! The Rams murdered the Cardinals 33-0 to remain in first place in the NFC West, while the “Don’t Call Us San Diego” Chargers won their third straight! Philip Rivers & Co were dead in the water with an 0-4 and trailing the Giants late in their Week 5 game. Since then, they have been unstoppable, and now they take their show on the road for a big test against the Pats in the Foggy Tundra of Gillette Stadium.

The Rams have a bye week coming up, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get a WEEKLY REMINDER THAT COACH SEAN McVAY IS REALLY YOUNG. Something like, “Sean McVay was still in his twenties when Mark Brunell went on television and cried like a little bitch because Tom Brady didn’t admit to partaking in a fake ball deflation scandal.”

5. Colin Kaepernick

Are you guys sick of this yet? I am too. I really wish somebody would just sign this dude and put this aspect of the controversy to bed. I don’t know if I agree with his protest or not… part of me is like “Yeah, you should respect our country” while another part of me is like “Eh, even I think our country sucks sometimes, and I’m super fucking privileged and cops don’t try to kill me.” So I’m not sure where I fall on the social aspect of this.

All I know is there are some GARBAGE quarterbacks playing every Sunday while a relatively solid player who led a team to a Super Bowl not that long ago is sitting at home. Seven teams failed to score an offensive touchdown on Sunday. Figure it out.

6. District Court Judge Paul A. Crotty

Not since the days of Night Court (shout out to the Larroquette fans!) have judges gotten this much shine. Last week it was Crotty, of New York’s Southern District, that granted Cowboys back Zeke Elliott a temporary restraining order against his 6-game suspension. It looks like Dallas will have their star for Sunday’s game in Washington as well, before potentially having to face the music. It feels to me like the NFL is 0-for-Life in the actual legal system, but I ain’t no Roger Cossack.

7. Ezekiel Elliott Fantasy Owners

So what did Elliott do with his temporary playing status? Not much, just 219 total yards and 3 touchdowns, good for 40 points in standard scoring fantasy leagues. The day of reckoning may be coming soon, but for now you nerds can celebrate the fact that you took a chance on a guy who may be a bit domestically violent.

8. Fast Eddie Jackson

Exactly a year ago on Sunday, Eddie Jackson was breaking his leg as a member of the Alabama Crimson tide. Fast forward 365 days and Fast Ed scored on a pair of 75-yard defensive plays that proved to be the only touchdowns in a 17-3 victory over the Panthers. This serves as a lesson to all the kids out there: If you work hard and persevere then maybe some day Cam Newton will turn the ball over to you.

9. Mitch Trubisky

Technically the Bears’ rookie QB wants to go by “Mitchell” but if he is too lazy to throw more than 7 passes in a game I am too lazy to type out the “-ell.” Trubisky was an impressive 4-7 for 107 yards and no touchdowns on Sunday, but is still credited with a win thanks to the aforementioned Fast Eddie. Nice work if you can get it.

10. Joe Thomas

We can’t let the week go by without acknowledging Joe Thomas and his incredible streak. The Browns lineman had to leave Sunday’s game and is done for the season with a torn triceps. Before that injury he played in a casual 10,363 consecutive snaps over his 11-year career. In that span he protected 20 different shitty quarterbacks. Keep doing you, Cleveland.

Also Receiving Votes: Gene Steratore, Amari Cooper, Hide & Go Seek, Unaffiliated Neurotrauma Consultants, My Bookie and Janet Jackson’s titty