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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

Editor’s Note: The editorial staff at The Prompt has decided that Mike’s Patriots propaganda has gotten out of hand. In an effort to gain followers and make this column more appealing to a larger audience, Mike has been suspended from mentioning his favorite team for one week. You’re welcome.

1. New Orleans Saints

The Saints are the hottest team in the NFL after winning five straight games with Teddy Bridgewater at the helm. The backup QB has served admirably while Drew Brees nurses a thumb injury. So admirably, in fact, that Brees is trying to rush back and play as early as this week. Either Drew is afraid of being Wally Pipped, or he sees the Cardinals, Falcons, and Bucs coming up on the schedule and wants to pad those stats that he loves so much.

2. Baltimore Ravens

The biggest win of Week 7 came in Seattle as Lamar Jackson and the Ravens ran all over the Seahawks. Jackson only threw for 143 yards in the game, but he ran for 116, his third 100+ yard rushing performance of the year. Going into Sunday Russell Wilson was the favorite to win MVP, but Baltimore’s duel threat put himself right back in the conversation.

I’m not on Twitter and I don’t have time to do this, but somebody should go back to 2018 and find any tweets in support of the Ravens playing Joe Flacco instead of Jackson. Those people should be publicly shamed.

3. San Francisco 49ers

The Niners are the only undefeated team that I’m allowed to mention this week. They won 9-0 in a gross game against a hideous Redskins team in a disgusting monsoon. It was as ugly as professional football gets. If you only watched the RedZone channel then you didn’t know this game was being played. Jimmy still looked handsome though.

4. Indianapolis Colts

Jacoby Brissett threw for a career-high 4 TDs in win over the Texans that vaulted the Colts into first place. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck is  backpacking through South America with his wife wondering if everybody in Indianapolis misses him.

5. Dallas Cowboys

What a difference a week makes! In the last edition of the Rankings we ripped Jason Garrett and his perpetual hot seat, but after demolishing the Eagles on Sunday night it appears that everything is cooler than cool in big D.

6. Patrick Mahomes’ Kneecap

The big story this week was the injury to the reigning MVP. Mahomes’s stellar patella did not want to stay in place Thursday night, locating itself in a bad spot for Chiefs fans. The good news is that Mahomes is a stud with an elite kneecap and might only miss one game.

For reasons that I’m not allowed to mention, the No. 1 seed is probably not in the cards for KC. As long as Mahomes can make his way back in November, the Chiefs shouldn’t have a problem winning a weak AFC West.

7. L.A. Rams

A week ago, the defending NFC champs looked dead. Coming off three straight losses, the Rams desperately needed a special elixir to get them back on track. They found that magic potion in the form of the Falcons. A quick trip to Atlanta was exactly what the doctor ordered, as the Falcons’ nonexistent offense and porous defense allowed the Rams to easily get back above .500.

8. People Who Started Chase Edmonds in Fantasy

While I’m sure there are plenty of Chase Edmonds fantasy owners out there, I don’t think anybody started the Cardinals’ backup running back on Sunday. Too bad, since the 150 yards and 3 TDs would have been a nice consolation prize for you being a nerd.

9. Survivor Series

The Bills and Jaguars each thought they were going to get easy wins against cupcake opponents this week. After all, the Dolphins and Bengals were both winless and trending downwards. It would be like an extra bye week, they thought.

Instead, both teams found themselves in unexpectedly close games, and both were lucky to survive. Buffalo was losing 14-9 in the 4th quarter before putting up 22 points and winning by 10. Jacksonville was down 10-9 in the 4th before also rattling off 3 TDs and winning by 10.

It just goes to show that you can’t take any team in this league lightly, unless they are owned by Daniel Snyder.

10. The No. 1 Draft Pick Sweepstakes

Next week, on the NFL Power Rankings… The Dolphins and Bengals are the last two contestants remaining, but which one is truly looking for their shot at love? There can only be one No. 1 pick, and NEXT WEEK we’ll see the claws—and the fins—come out!!

Also Receiving Votes: Ghosts, Aaron Rodgers’ Statistics, Aaron Rodgers’ Relationship With Matt LaFleur, Brett Maher’s Leg, Marvin Jones Jr and My Bookie.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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