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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Hollywood Rams
It looks like the Rams are going to occupy the top spot until they lose a game. The league’s only undefeated team dropped 39 points on the 49ers in Santa Clara and improved to 7-0. Todd Gurley scored 3 more touchdowns and is now a 4/1 bet to win the MVP award. If you have him on your fantasy team and aren’t in first place, then you should reevaluate your overall strategy… or go outside and get some fresh air, nerd.
2. New England Patriots
Another week and another young QB gets schooled on how to win football games. On paper it looked like Mitch Trubisky was great: 333 yards passing with 2 TDs, another 81 yards rushing and a TD on the ground. But the second-year gunslinger’s stats also included a pair of interceptions that helped the Pats seal a crucial road victory.
Someday Mitch Trubisky will be able to tell his kids that he once played against the great Tom Brady. And then they can all sit in their futuristic living room, turn on the TV, and watch a 60-year-old Brady hang 38 points on whoever he is playing.
3. Kansas City Chiefs
What better way to get over a disappointing loss then to beat up on an inferior opponent? The Chiefs played their second Sunday night game in as many weeks and took out their frustration on Cincinnati to the tune of 45-10 (over/under was 56… FML). Patrick Mahomes racked up 358 more passing yards as well as his 19th, 20th, 21st, and 22nd touchdown passes, good for the league lead.
The 4-3 Bengals are technically still in playoff contention, but being used as a slump-buster can’t be good for team morale.
4. Carolina Panthers
I really thought we might be able to have a nice run of Wentz Wagon pictures, but the Panthers had other ideas. The Eagles were up 17-0 in the fourth quarter, at which time a Philly -4.5 bet looked pretty good (FML #2). The the Cam Fam roared back with 3 straight touchdowns for a 21-17 victory. Carolina improves to 4-3 while the defending Super Bowl champs are still feeling the hangover at 3-4.
5. Minnesota Vikings
THE KINGS IN THE NORTH! With the embarrassing Week 2 loss to the Bills in the rear view mirror, the Vikings took down the Jets in the Meadowlands for their third straight win. They now sit on the NFC Northern throne as the Saints march up from Dorne to avenge last season’s dramatic playoff loss.
6. London San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles
The government should send out one of those mass text message alarms at 9:15 A.M. EST whenever there is an early kickoff in London. The only reason I didn’t lose money on this game is because I didn’t realize the game was starting at 9:30 and failed to get my wager in. It would have been Chargers -6.5, which would have been a good bet had Melvin Gordon played. Unfortunately for fans in wherever the Chargers are from, Gordon sat out with an injured hammy and his team was only able to squeak out a 20-19 victory. In fact, the Titans could have tied the game with an extra point towards the end of regulation, but decided to go for 2 instead. Because of that decision, Tennessee head coach Mike Vrabel has the distinct honor of bringing back this picture:
7. Overtime Browns
Cleveland fans got to watch free football again on Sunday as the Browns went to overtime for the fourth time this season (and its only Week 7!). They have needed extra time to decide the majority of their games, which is insane. Speaking of insanity, this game was nuts. Bucs kicker Chandler Catanzaro missed a would-be game-winning 40 yard field goal at the end of regulation, only to redeem himself with a 59-yard bomb in OT. The Browns are 2-4-1, a fittingly wonky record for a team that just can’t get out of its own way.
8. Odell Beckham & Saquon Barkley
It must be a very sad and confusing time to be a Giants fan. On one hand, you just locked down the most electrifying receiver in football to a huge contract in the same year that you drafted a seemingly once-in-a-generation running back. On the other hand, your season is a disaster. You have a washed-up QB, a 1-6 record, and absolutely no hope of making the playoffs.
This mess was on full display Monday night in Atlanta: Beckham had 8 catches for 143 yards and a touchdown, while Barkley added 94 all-purpose yards and a score of his own (including some ridiculous runs). And then you had Eli doing Eli things that resulted in a 23-20 loss. Congrats to the G-Men on a garbage TD at the end of regulation to make sure that anyone with Falcons -4.5 went to bed pissed off (FML #3).
9. Jon Gruden
No “new” coach has ever made as much of an impact on their team in their “first” season as Gruden has in Oakland this year. By impact I mean that he has traded away half the team. This week’s victim was Amari Cooper, who was sent to Dallas for a first round pick. Perhaps the Raiders can use that pick on a pass rusher, since, you know, they traded away Khalil Mack.
Chuckie makes the list this week because, for only the second time this year, his team didn’t lose! Thank God for bye weeks.
10. My Bookie
You knew this was coming. Fortunately it took 7 weeks for this asshole to make an appearance, but here he is. Nobody likes to hear people whine about their bad bets, unless of course you’re that bald sidekick on the SVP SportsCenter, in which case its great TV. I’ll spare you the details, just know that next week we may be sprinkling in a sponsored post or two.
Also Receiving Votes: Kareem Hunt Fantasy Owners, Cody Kessler, Free Agent Quarterbacks in the Buffalo Area, the Broncos’ Defense, the Red Sox Offense, and the Return of the Marlon Mack.
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