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These are The Prompt’s own “weekly” NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Actual Power Rankings

You clicked on this post expecting snarky jokes and satirical analysis but instead *GASP* actual power rankings within the power rankings!?!

I promise not to make a habit of this but since we’re more and a third of the way through the season I figured a quick status check might be helpful…

The Best Teams Who Have Only Lost To Each Other:

1. Cardinals

2. Rams

3. Buccaneers

4. Cowboys

Let’s Pretend That The First (And/Or The Last) Game Never Happened:

5. Bills

6. Packers

7. Ravens

8. Chargers

I Think They’re Actually Good Despite Losing To The Jets:

9. Titans

I Think They’re Actually Good Despite Being The Bengals:

10. Bengals

I Think They’re Actually Bad Despite Being The Chiefs:

11. Chiefs

Thank God For The 7th Playoff Seed:

12. Browns

13. Raiders

14. Saints

Three Plays Away From Being 6-1:

15. Patriots

They’ll Beat Bad Teams And Lose To Good Ones:

16. Vikings

17. Colts

18. Steelers

Too Injured:

19. 49ers

20. Seahawks

21. Panthers

Too Bad At Coaching and Also Executing:

22. Eagles

23. Bears

24. Washington Football Team

25. Falcons

26. Broncos

27. Giants

The Worst Of The Worst Of The Worst:

28. Jets

29. Jaguars

30. Dolphins

31. Lions

32. Texans

2. Pumpkin Picking

If you were going to skip a Sunday of football watching in favor of a family-friendly activity then Week 7 was a perfect choice. With blowouts galore, the average margin of victory in the 10 afternoon games was over 20 points. The only closely contested matchup was between the Dolphins and Falcons, a game that was so bad I can’t even think of a word for it…

3. The 600 Touchdown Club

Imagine for a second that inter-dimensional communication was possible, and you could call up the version of yourself that was living 10 years ago. 2011 You is smart and wants to place some futures bets, so they ask you what just happened in the NFL. “Well,” you say, “Tom Brady just became the first player to throw for 600 touchdowns!”

2011 You is confused…”But, wait, that would mean he would need to average over 30 TD passes a season and play until he was 44 fucking years old!”


“How is that possible!?!”

“Vegetables, water, and a lot of stretching.”

“THAT’S IT!?! No steroids?”

(Changing the subject) “And get this, the guy who caught the 600th touchdown tossed the ball into the stands. That ball could be worth half a million dollars and he just gave it back to the equipment manager!”

“Wow, what a dumbass!”

“Yeah, it’s cool though because Brady gave the guy a bitcoin.”

4. Bill Belichick’s Hatred of the Jets

The Patriots have outscored the Jets 79-19 in two games this season. This is not an accident; this is personal; and this isn’t new. Over the last five seasons, the Pats are averaging 31.5 PPG against the Jets, and only a couple of those games were close. Obama still had a year left in office the last time the Jets were on the winning side of this “rivalry.” The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Bill Belichick really doesn’t like the New York Jets.

5. Kicking The Chiefs When They’re Down

It appears to be a popular narrative that the Chiefs are toast. Done. Finis. I get that they just suffered a historically bad loss to the Titans where they failed to score a touchdown, but lets pump the brakes. Coming into Sunday, KC still had one of the best offenses in the league, and if it weren’t for a few poorly-timed turnovers they would be in 1st place. Rule No. 48 in my gambling playbook is to zig when everyone else zags… but as soon as the public starts to zig is PRECISELY when you should zag. Write that down. Chiefs -10 on Monday night in Arrowhead.

6. The Arizona Football Cardinals

Ho-hum. Another week another win. Kliff Kingsbury’s squad dominated the Texans and remain the only undefeated team in the league. They should have a tougher test this Thursday when Aaron Rodgers and the Packers come to town, but it looks like most of Green Bay’s receivers are in COVID protocol. 8-0 here they come.

7. Russell Wilson

Can a player win the MVP award based solely on how poorly their team does when they don’t play?

8. Tua Tagovailoa Fantasy Owners

Due to the aforementioned bye weeks and a rash of injuries, fantasy owners were scrambling for warm bodies on Sunday. If you stumbled upon the struggling Dolphins’ QB and inserted him into your lineup you lucked out. Tua ended up with an ugly 291 passing yards and 4 TDs to lead all scorers in Week 7. Now you may cut him.

9. Bills Mafia Bye Week

A week off was exactly what the mob needed in order to regroup after a tough loss to the Titans. Back from a brief vacation they have returned north to face a Dolphins team that can’t stop anybody. Buffalo by a million.

10. Week 6 Picks

Thursday Teaser: Cardinals -0.5 + Under 57 

Moneyline Parlay: Browns -195 vs Steelers + Bucs -230 @ Saints (+117)

Lock of the Week: Bills -13.5 vs Dolphins

Survivor Pool Pick (Used Bucs, Packers, Broncos, Bills, Patriots, Rams, Cardinals): Chiefs

Also Receiving Votes: Danny Dimes,  Derrick Henry, Jeaux Burrow, Mac Jones, The Jon Gruden Detox, My Bookie and Whoever Starts For The Browns At Running Back.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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