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These are The Prompt’s own weekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Not Jon Gruden

Every single team, player, coach, owner, executive, fan, and beer vendor associated with the NFL had a better Week 5 than Jon Gruden.

Also receiving votes: The guy who a month ago said that he liked the cut of Gruden’s jib. In my defense, I really love football, and I gravitate to people who also clearly love football. I just prefer people that love football and aren’t hateful pricks.

I also said a month ago that I just can’t quit the guy, which I am here to tell you was an incorrect prediction. Like everybody on the planet, I have now officially quit the guy.

2. Roger Goodell

I’m not saying that the commish was behind the email leak that lead to Gruden’s downfall, I am declaring it emphatically. It’s no coincidence that out of thousands of emails connected with the WFT investigation, it was these that went public. Gruden insulted Goodell and Goodell ended Gruden’s career. Say what you will about the man—and I will—he knows how to wield power.

3. L.A. Football

The left coast powerhouses continue to impress in their new impressive stadium as both improved to 4-1. The Rams held on to beat the Seahawks on Thursday while the Chargers outlasted the Browns in a slugfest on Sunday. In February, the Bucs became the first team to play in a Super Bowl in their home stadium… could these two become the first PAIR of teams to play a dual home game Super Bowl???

4. Bills Mafia

If the best team in the AFC doesn’t play in Tinseltown then they certainly reside in Orchard Park, New York. The Bills went into Arrowhead on Sunday night and WHOOPED the reeling Chiefs. Josh Allen threw for 315 yards and 3 touchdowns while rushing for 59 yards and another score, cementing himself (for now) as the top fantasy QB in the game.

As a Patriots fan that watched his team barely squeak past the Texans, I can begrudgingly say that the road to the AFC East championship no longer goes through Foxboro.

5. Points

Defense was an afterthought in most of the Week 5 games, as the over hit 10 times. Seven of those 10 games saw a combined score of 55+, with the Browns and Chargers getting up to 89. I enjoy shootouts as much as the next guy, but part of me wishes that the NFL’s commissioner hadn’t changed the rules to make it so easy on the offenses. I guess that’s what you get when your league is run by a “clueless anti-football pussy.”

6. Going for 2

You know how I feel about kickers, I don’t need to rehash mark it. But they were historically bad this week, missing a total of 12 field goals AND 12 EXTRA POINTS!

7. Just About Every Fantasy Owner

If you’re reading this and you play fantasy football then you probably had a decent score this week. Herbert, Allen, Lamar Jackson, and Tom Brady all had 40+ points, Ravens tight end Mark Andrews had over 30 on Monday, seven wide receivers had multiple touchdowns, and see No. 8…

8. Derrick Henry

…130 yards and 3 touchdowns!!! If the Titans win the AFC South then this man needs an MVP award to go along with his Heisman.

9. Dallas Cowboys

Thankfully Jerry Jones does not know how to send an email.

10. Week 6 Picks

Thursday Teaser: Bucs -1, Over 46

Moneyline Parlay: Bills -250 @ Titans + Steelers -225 vs Geno Smith (+102)

Lock of the Week: Browns -2.5 vs. Cardinals

Survivor Pool Pick (Used Bucs, Packers, Broncos, Bills, Patriots): Rams

Also Receiving Votes: Not Urban Meyer!

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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