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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Hollywood Rams

The Rams took their undefeated show on the road this week and scored a tough win against the Seahawks. It was a game they could have easily lost, especially after 1/3 of the wide receiver squad (Brandin Cooks) left with a concussion. Todd Gurley continued his MVP-caliber season with 113 yards and 3 TDs as L.A. held on for a 33-31 victory.

Since we can’t do another Kupp-Cooks-Woods joke this week, I will take a moment to remind you how young Sean McVay is. The Rams head coach is so young that he was only 17 years old the last time the Yankees won a playoff series against the Red Sox. Tough look for a once-proud franchise.


2. Patrick Mahomes

The league’s other unbeaten team remained so after a 30-14 win over the Jaguars. Patrick Mahomes was good, but he didn’t throw a TD pass and tossed his first interceptions (2) of the season. So for that we won’t highlight his performance, but instead his voice. Apparently he sounds like a frog. That is what was hot in the NFL internet streets this week. Mahomes has a frog voice. Not a lot there honestly, but we’re 5 weeks into the rankings, and I’ll look for angles wherever I can find them.

The real story this week was the Chiefs’ D, with 5 sacks, 4 picks, along with a forced fumble, and a couple TDs. Unfortunately for Chiefs fans, their undefeated party ends on Sunday night in Foxboro. I’m not being a homer, that is just a fact. These are the games the Patriots win. Wait for the line to come down from -3.5 to -3 and pounce.


3. Kickers

Some people say that kickers aren’t real football players. Those people are football players. Nonetheless, their skinny little impact on the game is undeniable. This week was especially kickery, as 5 games came down to game-winning feats of feet. Browns rookie Greg Joseph’s 37-yard knucklepuck gave Cleveland a 12-9 OT victory over the Ravens (all 9 of Baltimore’s points coming via Justin Tucker field goals). Needham, Massachusetts native Stephen Hauschka (Where my Rockets at?) drilled a 46-yarder as time expired to give Buffalo a win over Tennessee. The kick of the day went to Graham Gano, who hit from South Carolina (Ed. Note: 63 yards) to bail out the Panthers and squash the Giants’ comeback attempt. Even the Sunday night game came down to an OT kick as Ka’imi Fairbairn split the uprights as the Texans topped the Cowboys.

Conversely, Green Bay’s Mason Crosby had one of the worst kicking days in history, missing 4 field goals and an extra point in an 8-point loss at Detroit.

Speaking of feet, it’s been a while since we gave Rex Ryan a shout out on the Rankings:

The internet remembers.


4. Tom Brady

The Patriots hung 38 on the Colts last Thursday, and as is usually the case, the story was Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. The goat emoji became just the third player in NFL history to throw 500 touchdown passes with a second half bomb to Josh Gordon (who was not bombed). Gordon was the 71st different receiver to catch a TD from Brady, also a record.

After the milestone was hit the game was stopped for 20 minutes while TB12 celebrated with his teammates. The entire Brady family came on to the field and the crowd was treated to a tribute video marking the occasion. Oh, wait, sorry… none of that happened… they just moved on to the next play, to the next game, and to the next Super Bowl.


5. Drew Brees

On the other hand, some people do value individual achievements over team success. Enter Brees, who set a record of his own Monday night as he eclipsed Peyton Manning’s all-time passing yardage record. Sean McVay was 23 years old the last time the Saints played in a Super Bowl, but Brees seems content with his stats. Ironically, DB9 is sitting at 499 career TD passes, which means New Orleans has another parade to plan.


6. The Mighty Bengals of Cincinnati

The Miami Dolphins (AKA the worst one-time 3-0 team in NFL history) led the Bengals 17-0 in the third quarter on Sunday. By the end of the game, Cincinnati were 27-17 victors. How did they do it? As my illustration suggests, slowly and steadily. It was very similar to the famous fable, except in this case the hare kept turning the ball over to the tortoise in the fourth quarter because the hare is garbage. The author feels foolish for ever insinuating that the hare had a chance of beating the Patriots in Foxboro.


7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Let’s check in to the Hot Take Hotel for a quickie, shall we? Ready for it?

Are the Steelers BETTER without Le’Veon Bell!?!

No. No they are not. BUT, they did look damn good dropping a 40 burger on the Falcons. Bell’s replacement James Conner amassed 185 all-purpose yards with 2 touchdowns, while Antonio Brown had 101 receiving yards and a couple TDs of his own. I’m not saying that they don’t need Bell, but performances like this certainly make the holdout more palpable.


8. Odell Beckham Fantasy Owners

Not only did Beckham tally 8 catches for 131 yards and a touchdown against the Panthers, he also threw a 57-yard TD to Saquon Barkley. A helluva a day for a guy who had been disappointing his nerd owners through the first four weeks of the season. ODB’s (or is it OBJ? I never get it right) actual real-life owners aren’t super pleased with him after he called out Eli Manning’s sub-par play, but if he keeps performing like this I think they’ll live with it.


9. Minnesota’s Revenge

The last time the Vikings were in Philadelphia was January 21st, when the Eagles blew their doors off in the NFC Championship game. It was only fitting that they avenge that 38-7 loss the next time they visited. After building a 20-3 lead in the second half, Minnesota managed to hold off a Philly surge (ha, sounds like a sex move) and hung on to win 23-21.

These two teams are now a combined 4-5-1, and are among the most confusing to bet on each week. Lucky for you I’m (once again) great at betting on football games (temporarily), so take my advice: Eagles -2.5 in the Meadowlands Thursday night is a lock, and 10.5 points is WAY too many for the Vikings to give away, so take the Cardinals and Chosen Rosen.


10. Coaching Candidates

Have you always wanted to be a head coach in the NFL, but never had the right opportunity? Look no further than this exciting position with one of the league’s preeminent franchises. Job requirements include:

  • Bachelor’s Degree (or equivalent) 
  • Proficient in Word, Excel and Clock Management
  • Minimum of 5 years of experience in professional football
  • Must be willing to relocate to the Dallas-Fort Worth area
  • Must be willing to kiss the ass of an old racist senile owner for the better part of a decade
  • Ability to know when to obviously go for it on 4th & 1 a plus

Also Receiving Votes: DeAndre Hopkins, Robby Anderson, Savior Mayfield, Mark Ingram Fantasy Owners, Josh Gordon’s Sponsor, My Bookie’s Loan Shark and the Bye Week Blues.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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