The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 – Those Sons of Bitches

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. That Son of a Bitch Colin Kaepernick

As I’ve said before, a silly sports column is not the place for any meaningful political opinion. This is also running 5 or 6 days after sports found its way into the president’s word vomit, and I’m sure you’re sick of reaction pieces to DJT’s incoherent thoughts on football and patriotism. So I’ll just say this: Colin Kapernick won the week. Even people who disagreed with his methods of protest have rallied behind the rights of NFL players to express their opinions. Even Roger Goodell came out of the weekend looking good, an example of just how idiotically polarizing Trump is…HE MADE GOODELL LOOK GOOD! Think about that.

Oh, and DeShone Kizer threw 3 interceptions and Jay Cutler is a train wreck…so this is the weekly reminder that Kap should be, at the very least, employed.

2. Los Angeles Showtime Rams

Don’t look now, but with 35.7 points-per-game the Hollywood Rams have the hottest offense in football. The Greatest Show on Surf dropped the 9ers on Thursday night and are now 2-1, sitting atop the NFC West. Rookie head coach Sean McVay is only 31-years-old, which means you can make a lot of funny jokes about his age in comparison to other things. Like “Sean McVay wasn’t even born yet when the USFL folded in 1985 because Donald Trump is a fucking buffoon.”

3. Tom Brady’s Balls

Did anybody really think the the Patriots were going to lose at home to the Texans? Yeah, maybe for a minute there, but then TB12 reminded everyone for the millionth time why he truly is the GOATiest of the GOATs. He threw for 378 yards and 5 touchdowns, including a vintage game-winning drive in the final minute. He leads the league in both passing yards and touchdowns with zero interceptions and zero nightshades. Pretty crazy considering he was already an 8-year-old when Sean McVay was born.

4. London Jaguars

From now on this is how we’re pronouncing Jacksonville’s football team:

Since we have that out of the way, we must ask the question on everyone’s mind: IS SHAKE & BLAKE BACK!?! Bortle Kombat crossed the pond and torched the Ravens to the tune of 244 yards and 4 TDs in a 44-7 blowout win. He now has a better QB Rating than Aaron Rodgers. I just present the facts, you make of them what you will.

5. Odell Beckham Jr.

Speaking of memorable performances, the league’s most flamboyant wide receiver hauled in 9 balls for 79 yards and a pair of crucial touchdowns in the Giants’ 3rd disappointing loss of the season. Then he pretended to pee like a dog during a celebration, which is why he made the list. 2 touchdowns gets you “Also Receiving Votes” status…pantomiming canine urination lands you in the Top 5. I didn’t say we had integrity here.

6. Jake Elliott

Entering Sunday’s game the Eagles’ rookie kicker’s career long was a 56-yard boot in college. When he was called upon to attempt from 61 to win the game it seemed like a literal and figurative long shot. Carson Wentz even offered up his game check if Elliott could deliver a walk-off victory. Not a bad pay day.

7. Cleveland Browns

If the Jets’ 2017 strategy was to go 0-16 and get the #1 overall pick, well, SOMEBODY FORGOT TO TELL JOSH MCCOWN!!! Or maybe the Dolphins are just terrible. Either way, New York’s current best football team improved to 1-2, leaving the door wide open for Cleveland to secure the top selection. The state of Ohio is now 0-6 on the season, making next week’s Bengals-Browns match up even more riveting.

8. Von Miller’s Move

No not his swim move or spin move, but his cool “fake help you up, PSYCH!” move. It isn’t the first time he’s done it…

…but certainly the most impactful. Down a touchdown late in the game, Denver’s defense stopped Buffalo on a 3rd down, until a ref felt that Miller’s “TOO SLOW!” gag was unsportsmanlike. The drive continued, points were scored, and the Broncos lost. All for a chuckle.

9. Don Beebe

Huge win this week for the original Beebs. Any time a bonehead play can make producers scramble to find this clip its a big victory for the Don of Hustle. Bears corner back Marcus Cooper Sr. inexplicably pulled up on the 1-yard-line of a blocked field goal return and was stripped by a Steeler, violating then first rule of football: Never go full Leon Lett.

10. These Guys

I don’t have much analysis here… just curiosity. How do these guys get this job? What are the qualifications necessary? How many years of experience do you need standing there? Do they test how still you can be? I feel like Jim Caldwell would be incredible at this.

Also Receiving Votes: LeSean McCoy, LeBron James, Veterans, The RedZone Octobox, Francis Scott Key, My Bookie and the Hotlanta Falcons.