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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Kansas City Chiefs

If there was any question as to who was the NFL’s top dog, the answer came on Monday night. The defending champs went to Baltimore and decisively defeated the Regular Season Ravens 34-20. A national television reminder that this is Patrick Mahomes’ league and everyone else is paying rent.


2. Russell Wilson

The only other QB in position to challenge Mahomes for the MVP plays for the Seahawks and is putting up ungodly numbers. Mr. Unliiimited is a combined 79-for-103 for 925 yards and 14 touchdowns through the first three games of the season.


3. COVID-19



4. Chip

Specifically the one on Aaron Rodgers’ shoulder. Perhaps the Packers drafted a QB in the first round just to motivate the veteran?


5. Teams Visiting The Meadowlands This Season

The Jets and Giants are on pace to finish a combined 0-32. The crazy thing is that neither team set out to Tank for Trevor, but at this point the Clemson QB should probably start looking for housing in the East Rutherford area.


6. Dan Quinn’s Wife’s Honey-Do List

Good news Stacey, those gutters are finally going to get cleaned!


7. Thick Dick Nick

Don’t worry Chicago, daddy’s home.


8. Cam Newton

Okay, I’m just going to say it. This:

is a lot more fun than this:

. End of sentence.


9. Alvin Kamara Fantasy Owners

197 yards and a couple touchdowns is all you nerds needed to have a great weekend!


10. Los Angeles Medical Malpractice Attorneys

Is there a precedent for the damages a quarterback could seek when the team doctor accidentally punctures their lung during a pregame procedure? Gotta be a lot, right? I know I’m a week late but I don’t think Tyrod has sued yet, so sue me.


Also Receiving Votes: The Josh Allen Fan Club, The 49ers’ JV  Team, Mitch Trubisky’s Therapist, Gronk (The Booze Cruise Captain, not the Tight End), and Kissing Your Sister, but NOT Doug Pederson’s balls.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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