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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. People Who Aren’t Football Fans


The top spot this week goes to everybody out there who doesn’t follow the NFL. That’s right, the non-football fans who don’t spend their Sundays rooting for a team that loses and trying to make sense out of a league that makes absolutely no sense. These people enjoy things like “the outdoors” and “human interaction” while you sit on your couch stressing about a fantasy football match-up that LITERALLY DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE.

Here are a few ways in which Week 15 taught us that football is stupid:

  • The Chiefs and Rams both lost at home.
  • The Patriots lost their second straight meaningful game in December.
  • The Steelers actually beat the Pats in a meaningful game.
  • The 49ers, who are supposed to be tanking, snapped the Seahawks’ 4-game winning streak.
  • Nick Foles is better than Carson Wentz.
  • Josh Allen leads the Bills in rushing yards.
  • Drew Brees and Cam Newton combined for 11 fantasy points on Monday night.
  • A guy named Josh Johnson (?) led the Redskins to victory. On the road.
  • Kareem Hunt is currently unemployed but everything with Joe Mixon is cool now.

2. Patriots Haters

Have your day haters. This is a great time to be one of the millions of people who is sick of seeing the Patriots win. You have been waiting for this for the better part of two decades, marking the time like a convict chiseling the wall in solitary confinement. You kept telling yourself that someday Brady and Belichick would retire and that YOUR team would have a chance to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. It looks like the time is now.

Unfortunately looks can be deceiving. This team might look old and slow and undisciplined…and maybe they are, today. But the playoffs don’t start tomorrow.

You’ll know the dynasty is over when the Pats go 11-5 and get the #3 seed and people aren’t asking why they suck so badly.

3. L.A. San Diego Chargers

In this week’s edition of “It Felt Like A Week Ago Because It Was,” the Chargers won a thriller in Kansas City and improved to 11-3. Philip Rivers and his powerful sperm out-dueled Patrick Mahomes in the second half, culminating in a game-winning 2-point conversion with seconds left.

The Bolts have the same record as the Chiefs, but KC owns the tiebreaker due to a better record in the division. They will now host the Ravens before traveling to Denver to close out the season. The Chiefs go to Seattle this week and then get the Raiders in Week 17.

If the Chargers are able to move into the #1 seed, it will be the worst “home field” advantage in the history of the NFL. The visiting team’s fans will flood the L.A. Coliseum and drown out whichever Chargers fans are still left in this world.

4. Houston Texans

How the hell did the Houston Texans (temporarily) sneak into the #2 seed?? Seriously, how did we let this happen???

You’re going to tell me that they went on an impressive 9-game winning streak, but I’m here to tell you that it wasn’t very impressive. The combined win-loss record of the teams they beat is currently 59-66. They did not beat any of the 10 best teams in the league. They just squeaked out an ugly win over the fucking Jets.

The Texans could very well be the first #2 seed to be an underdog at home in their first playoff game. Has a #2 seed ever been an underdog at home in their first playoff game? I don’t know, I still don’t have a research assistant. Probably not though.

5. Philadelphia Eagles

WE’RE BACK BABY! The Foles Wagon rides again!!!

Things are getting awkward in Philadelphia. As crazy as it sounds, winning the Super Bowl wasn’t enough for people to think that Foles should start over Carson Wentz this year. But now that Big Dick Nick has beaten the Rams in L.A., it seams like Eagles fans might be leaning in his direction.

The Eagles host the Texans this week in what might be the Patriots’ biggest game of the season. If Foles can pull off another upset it would knock Houston back down to a seed more fitting for their stature.

6. Mike McCarthy

The Packers opened the season against the Bears, a game that they won 24-23. With McCarthy calling the plays, Aaron Rodgers threw for three touchdowns and zero interceptions on one leg. The coach has since been fired, but when the Packers played the Bears this week they lost 24-17. Rodgers threw zero touchdowns and one costly interception on two presumably healthy legs.

I’m not trying to stir the pot… I’m just saying… McCarthy may not have been the problem.

7. Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings are staying alive in the NFC playoff hunt thanks to a 41-17 win over the Dolphins. Their offense, led by Kirk Cousins and Dalvin Cook, finally found their mojo after a couple quiet weeks. Minnesota maintains a half-game lead over the Eagles and Redskins as they head to Detroit in Week 16.

An intriguing game to keep in mind is their Week 17 date with the Bears. Chicago could be locked into the #3 seed, and at that point with the Vikings needing a win to get the 6-spot, a win which would lead to a rematch the very next week.

8. Lamar Jackson

It appears as if the Ravens’ 33-year-old franchise quarterback is out of a job. Six years removed from a Super Bowl MVP award, Flacco has officially been replaced by Lamar Jackson, a rookie who doesn’t appear to be giving the job back.

Jackson led his team to a win over the Bucs and has them positioned for a wild card spot. He was an efficient 14/23 passing for 131 yards and a TD, while also rushing for 95 yards.

The two quarterbacks bring different things to the table: Jackson brings youth, excitement, and the ability to make plays with his feet, while Flacco brings experience and a large cumbersome contract.

9. The guy in your fantasy league who finished sixth but then made it to the finals because football is unpredictable and the players who have been good all season stopped being good and seemingly mediocre players are having huge games all of a sudden

Fuck that guy.

10. The Browns’ Playoff Chances

Welcome back to our weekly segment called “The Cleveland Browns Could Still Make the Playoffs! No, Seriously” (CBCSMP!NS on Reddit). I will once again explain to you how Baker Mayfield could still get his team to the promised land. I’m aware that I just crossed Testaments with this biblical metaphor, but just go with it.

Thanks to the Steelers’ win the AFC North title is out of reach, but here is how Cleveland could get the last wild card spot. Things get complicated but try to follow…

The Browns obviously need to beat the Bengals this week and the Ravens next week…

The Ravens need to lose in L.A. to the Chargers…

The Dolphins need to lose just one of their final two games…

The Colts and the Titans need to both lose in Week 16, requiring big upset wins by the Giants in Indy and the Redskins in Tennessee…

And finally the Colts and Texans would need to tie in Week 17. When that happens, the Browns will be in the playoffs!

Also Receiving Votes: Church, Exercise, Reading, Watching Netflix, Visiting Family, Prepping Meals for the Week, Cutting Down Your Own Christmas Tree and Scrolling Through the Instagram Explore Page Waiting To Die Someday.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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