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These are The Prompt’s own biweekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Omicron
If this past week has taught us anything its that Omicron’s coming and it ain’t to be trifled with. The NFL was bombarded with the virus this week, as over 150 players tested positive in the span of a few days. It was a challenge for players, coaches, and league officials, but mostly for fantasy owners.
On the bright side…
…having football on TV 9 out of 12 nights during the holidays is fucking awesome.
2. Indianapolis Colts
Congratulations to the Colts, winners of the Week 15 Super Bowl! Indy ran the ball down New England’s throat and stopped the Pats’ winning streak at 6 games. The Colts are now positioned to get the 5th seed in the AFC playoffs and add a “2021 Wild Card Round Runners Up” banner to the rafters.
3. John Harbaugh’s Balls
Once again the Ravens scored a late touchdown to bring them within 1 point of tying the game, this time against the Packers. Once again it was decision time for Baltimore’s coach. Kick the extra point like a bitch? Or go for 2 like a legend?
Once again, he went for it. How does that old saying go? “Fool me once, shame on the analytics. Fool me twice, don’t question my decision just look at the size of my gigantic balls!”
4. Brady Haters
On Sunday night the Saints did something that few have been able to do recently: Make Tom Brady look human. They shut out the GOAT 9-0 in perhaps the most boring game of the season. It was the first time since 2006 that Brady has failed to score, and he wasn’t happy about it…
It looks like Gisele should add a brand new Microsoft Surface to the last-minute Christmas shopping! Or better yet an iPad. And more steroids.
5. Aaron Rodgers’ MVP Candidacy
I was going to use this space to talk about how the Packer’s QB surpassed Brady as the odds-on favorite for MVP. But then I remembered that he sucks. Not at football but at most of the other stuff. So instead I will just wish Aaron’s family a very merry Christmas, because we know he won’t.
6. Celebrity Rehab with Bruce Arians
The Bucs’ coach vowed to part ways with Antonio Brown if he screwed up his 14th chance in the NFL. You would think that a three-game suspension for submitting a fake vaccination card would be his last strike with the team. It might have been, but then Chris Godwin and Mike Evans got hurt so Tampa had a change of heart.
They also signed Le’Veon Bell because sometimes its easier to just go full heel.
7. The Lions!!!
They won again! Congrats, I guess? As impressive as it was that they dominated the Cardinals, this heroism has pissed away the No. 1 draft pick. It looks like there might only be a couple franchise QBs in the upcoming class, so if they keep winning they run the risk of extending the Jared Goff era in Detroit.
8. Travis Kelce Fantasy Owners
It feels like a month ago, but the Chiefs beat the Chargers in an overtime thriller last Thursday and KC’s tight end finally delivered. He has been the best TE in fantasy this year, but without the dominant stats that managers paid for. That all changed in L.A., as Kelce posted over 4o points in PPR scoring thanks to 10 catches, 191 yards and a pair of touchdowns.
Merry Christmas nerds!
9. Sponsored: DraftKings Lineup of the Week
Two weeks ago I put together a nice little squad that won some money. If I had picked the correct Titans running back I would have won a lot more. Let’s become thousandaires together, shall we?
10. Locke of the Week
“The improvement of understanding is for two ends: first, our own increase of knowledge; secondly, to enable us to deliver that knowledge to others.”
Not only are these bets cashing but they are winning but double-digits. The Turkey Teaser hit by 17, 16 & 24. The Week 14 trio won by 17, 25, and 15. Sure, these have won as straight-up parlays, but instead of buying 6 points I could have sold 6 points for ridiculous odds and still covered easily. Not that we’re going to get crazy, just saying, we’re on a hot streak. So let’s make more money in Week 16…
Packers -1.5 vs. Browns,
Patriots +3.5 vs. Bills, and
Bucs -4.5 @ Panthers
Also Receiving Votes: Mike’s Top 10 Christmas Movies…
10. A Christmas Story
9. Elf
8. Santa Claus: The Movie
7. The Family Stone
6. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
5. Scrooged
4. The Muppet Christmas Carol
3. Home Alone
2. It’s A Wonderful Life
1. The GOAT: Christmas Vacation
…If your favorite movie isn’t on the list it means you’re wrong.
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