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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Philip Rivers’ Sperm
We start this edition of the rankings with the potent Charger quarterback who certainly earned the top spot. First it was announced that Rivers and his wife were expecting their ninth child, and then he went out and beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for “L.A.’s” ninth win of the season.
The Chargers were shooting blanks early on, entering the halftime locker room down 23-7. After that it was all Rivers, as he lead a comeback that culminated in a Mike Badgley game-winning field goal as time expired.
San Diego is now just a game behind the depleted Chiefs, while Rivers is now only five children behind Antonio Cromartie.
2. Dallas Cowboys
Is it premature to call this 7-5 Cowboys team the greatest ever? That’s not for me to say, but last Thursday night’s upset of the Saints was one of the most impressive wins any team has had this year. Dallas’s defense is apparently the real deal, as they held New Orleans (a team that averages 35 points per game) to only 10.
They are now alone atop of the NFC East thanks to Philly’s slow start and Washington’s QB broken leg epidemic. If the ‘Boys manage to beat the Eagles this week, old Jerry will be so excited that he won’t even need the Viagra.
3. Underdogs
Do you want to know how weird Week 13 was? Todd Gurley ran for 132 yards and was out-rushed by Josh Allen, while Odell Beckham had as many TD passes (1) as Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Tom Brady. Real wonky stuff.
It was also huge Sunday for big underdogs as we saw some upsets that probably destroyed your parlays and teasers. The Giants hung on to beat the Bears in overtime, Tampa took down Carolina, and the Jags defense rose from the dead to defeat the Colts 6-0. The biggest surprise of the day was the 14.5-point-dog Cardinals going into Lambeau Field and winning outright. Last week I said that the Packers had already quit on their coach, but I had no idea how badly they wanted him gone.
4. Coaching Candidates
This is what we in the business like to call a seamless transition. Coming in at No. 4 are all the unemployed (or underemployed) coaches who might consider applying to be the next head man in Green Bay. The job has some pros and cons that candidates will need to weigh. Pro: Decent QB who has plenty of time for football (especially around the holidays). Con: It is really cold in Wisconsin. Pro: You get February off. Con: You have to answer to 360,760 owners.
5. NFC West Champion Hollywood Rams
Coming off a bye week the Rams went into Detroit and took care of the Lions for their 11th win. They have clinched their division with a month to go in the season, and can lock up a bye with a win in Chicago Sunday night. At this point these guys can just enjoy the southern California weather and wait to see who they’ll play in January.
6. Seattle Seahawks
Another NFC West team making noise is Russell Wilson’s Seahawks. Mr. Ciara is quietly having a strong season while Seattle’s defense looks like it might be able to make one last run. They host the Vikings on Monday night and the winner will have pole position for the 5-seed. Thanks to games against the tanking 49ers & Cardinals weeks 15 & 17 it looks like the ‘Hawks will be drawing a wild card this year.
7. Karma
The Power Rankings are not an appropriate forum for a serious discussion about domestic violence. I just illustrated Philip Rivers’ face on to cartoon jizz for god’s sake. I will just point out that the team that signed Reuben Foster lost this week while the team that cut Kareem Hunt got a win. There are a lot of different aspects to each situation, and likely no correlation with the game results, but I’m just saying.
While I’m just saying things, I’d like to remind the Chiefs that Tyreek Hill is still on their team if they’re looking to cut everyone who kicks (or chokes and punches) a female. Just saying.
As for the Redskins, their current three-game losing streak is likely an indicator of how the rest of the season will go. Colt McCoy left Monday’s game with a broken leg, giving way to the one and only Mark Sanchez, who confidently led the ‘Skins to defeat.
The one bright spot for Sanchez was the ultimate redemption, the Butt Fumble Recovery:
8. Bill Belichick
The Patriots aren’t higher on this list because their win this week was nothing special. They beat a decent team in Foxboro in December. It is what they do. Belichick does get a mention however, thanks to a fun little altercation with Minnesota’s Adam Thielen.
Thielen used to be a star wide receiver, but then he got a little too close to the New England sideline. After exchanging words with the G-COAT he was no longer able to catch a pass, as the Vikings offense sputtered down the stretch.
Belichick is usually friendlier to white wide receivers, but apparently he didn’t like the cut of Thielen’s jib…
9. The Wentz Wagon
All aboard!? Are we doing this again?? It feels forced…
The Eagles are average. If they beat the Cowboys then I’ll bring the Wagon back with more gusto, but for now my heart isn’t in it.
10. Club 4-7-1
The NFL’s hottest club is 4-7-1. Located in the lower area of the North divisions (LoNoDi), this place has everything: Interim coaches, shanked field goals, crystals, hats made of cheese… it is THE place to get weird and freaky this holiday season.
Also Receiving Votes: The Baltimore Ravens, The Houston Texans’ Schedule, Phillip Lindsay Fantasy Owners, Lamar Jackson – QB1, and of course My Bookie
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