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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Lamar Jackson & the Ravens Problem

The soon-to-be MVP went to Hollywood this week and put on quite a show. As a fan of an aspiring AFC champion, it was a terrifying performance. Jackson did not have an incompletion in the first half. He ran for 95 yards and threw for 169 more, including 5 touchdown passes. The Ravens ran the defending NFC champs out of the building. It was 45-6 when the refs mercifully blew the final whistle.

As we sit here today, I can’t figure out how the Patriots are going to stop this team. Thankfully the AFC championship game is not being played today, and I am not in charge of figuring anything out.

2. Handsome Jimmy & the 49ers

The other Week 12 statement game went down Sunday night in Santa Clara. A seemingly banged-up 49er team destroyed the Packers 37-8. Their offense looked unstoppable, and their defense looked really fast. They held Aaron Rodgers to just 104 yards passing, his lowest total since a game in his past that my intern would have pinpointed had he or she been a real person and not just an HR request that has fallen on deaf ears.

3. The Blackmail Jason Garrett Has Over Jerry Jones

Another week and another inexcusable and unforgivable coaching blunder by the ginger ninja. But, for the 471st straight week, it looks like Garrett is somehow going to keep his job. Perhaps the reason he wasn’t fired on the plane Sunday evening was because Dallas has a short week leading up to the Thanksgiving game. Fine, I get it. But I have also seen this movie before, and I know what will happen on Thursday. The Cowboys will rally around this idiot and get a good win on national TV. Jerry will hoot and holler in the owner’s box, and Garrett will buy himself another month of mediocrity.

HONORABLE MENTION goes to the Blackmail That Booger McFarland Has Over ESPN. Somehow he is getting worse at his job. At this point DeAndre Hopkins’s mom would be a better color commentator.

4. Seattle Seahawks

Russell “Remember When I Was The MVP?” Wilson and the Seahawks improved to 6-0 on the road with a gritty win in Philly. It wasn’t pretty but Seattle’s D kept the Eagles out of the end zone until late in the fourth quarter and held on for a 17-9 victory. The team that used to have the best home field advantage in the league now seems unbeatable away from their annoying fans.

As a father of a toddler and an infant, I would like to quickly debunk the theory that an athlete will perform better if they have “slept in their own bed” the night before. Being home isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Hotels are quiet, and if you bring your own pillow (veteran move) you will get much better sleep. The fact that Vegas automatically gives home teams 3 points is a market inefficiency, assuming the QB of that team has kids.

5. The Browns Against Bad Teams

Congrats to Baker Mayfield and the Browns for beating up on the Dolphins this week. It takes a really big, strong team to hang 40 on Miami.

This Cleveland team has a ton of problems, but don’t you dare tell them they can’t beat shitty teams. Luckily the rest of their schedule looks pretty accommodating with four of their next five: @ Duck Hodges’ Steelers, vs. Bengals, @ Cardinals, and @ Bengals. It is very possible that they finish 9-7 and sneak into the playoffs, then lose by 40 in KC.

6. Broadway Sam Darnold

Speaking of teams that don’t think they’re out of the playoff race, the Jets have won three games in a row! They crushed Gruden’s Raiders 34-3 in the shocker of Week 12, improving their record to a *not-yet-eliminated* 4-7.

According to NY tabloids, the Jets continued the party into Monday morning. Sam Darnold was “wasted, hooked up with a girl at the club, and the team celebrated like they won the Super Bowl.” You know who isn’t celebrating? The girl who just got mono.

7. Sunday Scaries

We’ve all been there. Sunday rolls around, you’re hungover and stressed out about the upcoming work week. Anxiety sets in.

You rarely see the affects of this on the football field, but this week Eagles’ RG Brandon Brooks was unable to play due to anxiety-related illness.

Here is where I was planning to make a bunch of jokes about Brooks being a millennial, but it appears that he has been dealing with these issues for a while.

So now it’s a bit awkward. I guess I’ll just say that I’m impressed at how open Brooks has been about the issues he has faced.

That’s all I have. I need to save all my politically incorrect equity for No. 10.

8. Ryan Tannehill

Tannehill is 4-1 since replacing Marcus Mariota as the Titans’ starter, and has posted a 111.4 QB rating this season. He has thrown for 10 TDs in five games while rushing for 3 more. Anybody who thought his career was over when Miami moved on from him have been proven incorrect.

Can’t wait to bet against him in the playoffs.

9. Stephen F. Austin University

27.5 point underdogs! AT Cameron Indoor!! Isn’t Duke supposed to be good!?!

10. The First Amendment’s Protection Of Satire and Parody As A Form Of Free Speech

Otherwise one might argue that this picture is defamatory.

In case the editors remove the picture of Mason Rudolph in a KKK hood here are some rankings-within-the-rankings of the best Thanksgiving food.

Rankings Inception:

  1. Stuffing
  2. Gravy, the glue of the entire plate
  3. Mashed Potatoes
  4. Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce
  5. Candied Yams (or, as the Mason Rudolph fans call them, “Sweet Potatoes”)
  6. Dark Turkey Meat
  7. Pumpkin Pie
  8. Red Wine
  9. The Turkey Meat Mason Rudolph Prefers
  10. Dinner Rolls

Also Receiving Votes: Kickers who can make extra points, Michael Thomas, Christian McCaffrey, Bill Belichick’s ability to summon rain, Chris Godwin Fantasy Owners, and My Bookie.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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