Prompt Images

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.


1. New England Patriots

Remember back in the first week of October? The Bills were 3-1 atop the AFC East and the Patriots had fallen to 2-2 in a tie with the Jets? It seems like so long ago. Alas, the calendar has turned to November, the temperature has dropped, and the New England Patriots are on their way to another 14-2 season. They went into Denver, historically not a happy place for them, and delivered a 41-16 ASS WHOPPING to the team that used to be the Broncos.

[Ed. note: I believe the term is usually “ass whooping,” but I liked WHOPPING too much to change it.]

At this point we should all make it a habit to do two things every Daylight Saving weekend: change the clocks back 1 hour, and make plans to watch the Patriots in the AFC Championship game.

2. Hollywood Rams

This season is like on long party for the re-vamped Rams. Another blowout win has them at 7-2 and poised to make the playoffs for the first time since their coach was in high school!

How young is Sean McVay? Let me put it in perspective… Sean McVay was only 28 years-old the last time Aaron Rodgers spoke to his family.

3. Ground & Pound Saints

Speaking of scary 7-2 teams, the Saints are the hottest team in football. They are undefeated after an 0-2 start thanks to a revamped approach and reliance on the running game. Think about this: The Saints just won 47-10 in Buffalo, and Drew Brees threw for 184 yards and zero touchdowns. New Orleans’ two-headed monster of Mark Ingram (131 yards & 3 TDs) and Alvin Kamara (138 yards & 1 TD) continue to dominate. Kamara, a rookie who went mostly undrafted in fantasy leagues, is averaging 14.9 nerd points per game during these 7 wins.

4. Minnesota Vikings

The King in the (NFC) North! Continuing with our 7-2 teams we have the Vikings, who held on to beat the Redskins in Washington thanks to 300+ yards and 4 TDs from Case Keenum. With Aaron Rodgers injured and the Lions being the Lions, it looks like a division title is in the future. I look forward to them losing a playoff game in heartbreaking fashion.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers

The King in the (AFC) North! I am 0-9 betting on or against this team. As the last 7-2 squad on our list, the Steelers have been absolutely impossible to figure out. Let’s take a stroll down gambling memory lane…

Week 1 they were only 10-point favorites and beat the Browns 21-18. Week 2 they were favored by 8.5 against the Vikings, way too much I thought, but won 26-9. The next week it was a -6.5 spread in Chicago… of course they would beat the hapless Bears by a touchdown right? Nope… lost the game outright.

Week 4 in Baltimore they were -3.5 favorites, which made no sense, they just lost on the road to the Bears, obviously the Ravens +3.5 was the pick: Steelers win 26-9. OK, Week 5, at home vs. the Jaguars, favored by 7.5. I have learned my lesson, I won’t pick against them again. I will put them in every tease and take them as my survivor league choice. Jax 30, Pitt 9, Ben says he doesn’t have it anymore.

Week 6, in Kansas City against the undefeated Chiefs, they are only getting 3.5 points. Remember, Roethlisberger admitted that he is done being good. But of course they win outright. I could keep going but you get the point… fast-forward to this week and they escaped Indy with a 20-17 victory, not close to covering -10.5 but also failing to cover the -4.5 tease.

6. Color Rush!

The Seahawks beat the Cardinals on Thursday night, but if you were watching on a low-def TV it would have looked like a bunch of guys in black chasing a ball and some floating navy helmets. I always get a chuckle out of the notion that people would cancel their Thirsty Thursday plans and instead tune into a boring game thanks to the excitement of new uniforms. Keep doing you NFL, keep doing you.

7. Jimmy Sexton

Remember Jimmy Sexton? He made his Power Rankings debut after Week 4 of last season. He makes his glorious return to the ranks thanks to a couple clients who are somehow still finding starting QB jobs. First we had Ryan Fitzpatrick working his Fitzmagic in a 15-10 win over the Jets. Some call it a “revenge game” for the Harvard grad, others didn’t know the game was taking place because they were watching the RedZone channel. Keep in mind that Sexton has gotten Fitzpatrick over $54 million in career earnings, which comes out to $400,000 per interception thrown.

He was also the guy who convinced the Texans to give Brock Osweiler $37 million of guaranteed money, an investment so regrettable that Houston sent a second round pick to Cleveland to take Osweiler off their hands. The Browns saw such little value in the QB who’s best (only?) attribute is “tall” that they gave him $16 million to leave town. But there he was, starting in prime time against the Patriots, reminding everyone of Jimmy’s magic.

8. Colin Kaepernick

Kap makes his return to the Top 10 after GQ named him “Citizen of the Year” in their “Men of the Year” issue. For a guy who hasn’t stepped on the field this season he has still managed to dominate the headlines, so that is something.

If you’re one of the weirdos who is actually upset by this honor you need to relax. The 1999 recipient was Dylan McDermott. Kaepernick didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize. These guys were also named GQ Men of the Year:

9. Cleveland Browns

They did it! The Cleveland Browns have outlasted their competition and now control their own destiny for the #1 overall pick!

It wasn’t easy, but despite snagging an early lead in Detroit they managed to dig deep and suck in ways that we have never seen before. The highlight came at the close of the 1st half, when the Browns had a 2nd and goal from the 2+ yard line. There were 15 seconds left and they had no timeouts. At worst they could have thrown 2 incompletions and kicked a field goal, at best they could have gone into the locker room with a 14-point lead. So what did they do? QB sneak, of course:

Brilliant! They went on to lose 38-24, but that was only half the battle. They also needed the 0-and-49ers to get their first victory of the season. Luckily for Cleveland (and unluckily for Sam Darnold) the New York Giants were in town and all too willing to completely quit on their coach and give San Fran its lone win of the year.

10. Ben McAdoo’s Family

Guess what kids? Daddy is going to be around a lot more now! That’s not to say that he hasn’t been spending most of his time playing with his kids already, since he clearing hasn’t been game-planning. Technically the beleaguered coach is still in charge of the Giants, but he has clearly lost the team. It is just a matter of time before he is inducted into the Jim Tomsula Hall of Fame for Coaching Footnotes.

Also Receiving Votes: My Bookie, Marquis Goodwin, Martellus Bennett’s Miracle Shoulder, Adrian Clayborn, Teddy 2-Gloves, N. Peterman, Cam Newton, Pizza Hut and the Buffalo Bill (the streaker, not the team).

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

learn more
Share this story
About The Prompt
A sweet, sweet collective of writers, artists, podcasters, and other creatives. Sound like fun?
Learn more