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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Powerless Rankings, where we rank all of the things that don’t matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Seattle Seahawks

We have eclipsed the halfway point of the 2019 season, so I thought it would be appropriate to do some real power rankings and try to figure out where we stand.

Then I remembered that the Patriots lost to the Ravens, who lost to the Browns, who lost to everybody… and I gave up. The best I can do at this point is provide the weekly snapshot of who wears the championship belt. This week it belongs to Russell Wilson and the Seahawks, thanks to their thrilling OT win in San Francisco. Knocking off the league’s last undefeated team improved their record to 8-2, with their only losses coming in close games to the Saints and Ravens.

Next up for Seattle is a bye, which they will spend reading all about how great they are and then promptly lose in Philly in week 12.


2. Lamar Jackson

The Ravens could very easily have been in the top spot, but unfortunately for them beating the Bengals doesn’t get you the belt. Fortunately for Lamar Jackson, a perfect passer rating and another dominant rushing performance does. The league’s most electrifying player now has over 700 rushing yards to go along with his 2,000+ passing yards.

The skeptic in me says that Jackson will probably get hurt before the playoffs because of all this risky running. The optimist in me says that Jackson will probably get hurt before playing the Patriots in the playoffs because of all this risky running.


3. Miami Dolphins

Disclaimer: If this picture is unfamiliar to you please move along to another article. You’re done for the day, hit the showers, or go make a TikTok video. 

The Dolphins entered this season with a perfect plan: Trade away all the good players, purposely lose every game, and get the No. 1 draft pick. The only problem? Nobody told the players!

Call it pride, call it Fitzmagic, but do NOT call Miami the worst team in the league. They beat the Colts in Indy for their second straight win. Now, they host a reeling Bills team this Sunday…

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

Disclaimer: If this picture is unfamiliar to you that’s okay, you can keep reading, but you suck a little.

You want a stat that you can throw around at Friendsgiving this weekend? Here you go: The combined record of the four teams that have beaten the Steelers is 31-6. 

Let that sink in, because we all thought this team was dead, buried, and competing for the No. 1 draft pick. They just beat the Artists Formerly Known as the L.A. Rams to improve to 5-4, with those losses coming against the Patriots, Seahawks, 49ers, and Ravens. The Pats murdered a Roethlisberger-led team, but since then Mason Rudolph has been solid. Their three losses since Big Ben quit were by 2, 4, and 3 points respectively.

Pitt will try to secure their sixth victory tonight in Cleveland in what should be a real battle of wits with Freddie Kitchens.


5. Colin Kaepernick

A couple days ago, it was announced that former Pro Bowl quarterback is going to have a private workout this weekend and all NFL teams were invited. This is a small (and probably definitely hollow) step to a potential comeback for Kaepernick, and I’m all for it. Why? Because there are some really shitty QBs in the league right now. Don’t believe me? Let’s play a little game of Which Guy Started At Quarterback For The Lions Last Week?






So unfortunately I forgot to label these pictures and I’m too lazy to go back and look to figure out which guy is Detroit QB Jeff Driskel. The other four are random NFL kickers. You get the point.


6. Mike Vrabel’s Mustache

Are the Titans good? Probably not. Maybe. I really don’t know. They are a .500 team that has played an absolutely confounding schedule so far this year. Wins against the Browns, Falcons, Chargers, Bucs, and Chiefs, losses against the Colts, Jags, Bills, Broncos, and Panthers. Yes, I have just listed the 11 of the 12 most confusing teams in the NFL.

Every year there is a team that I can’t figure out for the life of me, and this year it is Tennessee. Pretty sure I’m 0-10 picking their games. But one thing I am sure of is that Vrabel’s mustache is fucking sweet.


7. Oakland Raiders

…And here we have Confusing Team No. 12. I am not paid enough to try to analyze the Raiders’ performances this season, so all I’ll say is that the NFL is more fun when those psychotic fans have something to cheer about before stabbing each other in the parking lot.


8. The Patriots’ Schedule

It is becoming increasingly obvious that New England’s 8-0 start might have had something to do with the quality of their opponents… is something I would write if I had a shred of self-awareness and/or dignity.


9. Christian Kirk

Talk about a breakout game for the Cardinal wide receiver: 138 yards and 3 touchdowns! Unfortunate for the fantasy nerds who left him on the bench this week. Sorry nerds!


10. Cincinnati Bengals’ No. 1 Pick

The Dolphins have won twice since the last coherent Power Rankings, and the 1-8 Redskins host the Jets this week. That means that the 0-9 Bengals are firmly in the driver’s seat for 32nd place. Sure, plenty could go wrong right for them down the stretch, but as of now it looks like they will be the belles of the ball come April 23rd.

Also Receiving Votes: Lube Man, Teddy Bridgewater, Minkah Fitzpatrick, Ryan Tannehill, Hue Jackson, Ryan Tannehill’s Wife, Dalvin Cook Fantasy Owners and My Bookie.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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