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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter.

We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. New England Patriots

Welcome back to another year of the Power Rankings! We begin the new season the same way we ended last season, with the New England Patriots in the top spot. The defending Super Bowl champions raised their 6th banner on Sunday night and the proceeded to obliterate whats left of the Pittsburgh Steelers. That alone would have been enough for the No. 1 ranking, but to add insult to dynasty, these evil geniuses also managed to smuggle in the most talented wide receiver in football.

Listen, Antonio Brown is a fucking lunatic. He is a legit crazy person. I wasn’t sold on him fitting in to an atmosphere that doesn’t tolerate distractions. And that was before the rape allegation. So, for now, I’ll just get a few things on the record:

  1. Brown is an asshole for the manner in which he forced his way out of Oakland.
  2. The Patriots were smart to sign one of the best players in the league.
  3. The Patriots do not need AB to win a 7th Lombardi trophy.

By the time you read this he will probably have been cut, but I’ve said my piece.

2. Cleveland Browns Bandwagon Available Capacity

VACANCY! All aboard!! Suddenly plenty of room!!!

The Browns were the media darlings of the 2019 offseason, signing Odell Beckham and generating more buzz than the other 31 teams combined. Then the Titans came to town and the hype train went off the rails quickly. Baker threw three picks en route to a 43-13 loss, showing that he may be fallible after all.

This season could go one of two ways: Either the team we saw this week was the real Cleveland Browns, in which case, woof… OR this was a perfect storm of penalties and injuries, and the Browns will rebound. The line for Monday Night’s game @ the Jets is Cleveland -2.5. That is what’s known in the GA circles as a “sucker spread”… Vegas is trying to get you to take Cleveland by giving you the field goal victory. They’re baiting us into it, but we aren’t going to fall for this are we? Are we?

Yes we are.

3. Mike Vrabel’s Mustache

Majestic. Some people might credit the Browns’ 18 penalties as the main reason for the Titans’ blowout victory, but I don’t buy it. There is no way that a head coach rocking this top-lip caterpillar is going to win a game for any other reason than the intimidation that comes from this epic tickle strip.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Mike Vrabel has the same amount of Super Bowl touchdown catches (2) as Michael Irvin? Only six players in history have more than 2.

4. Unemployed Quarterbacks (Preferably Local to Chicago)

Mitchell Trubisky suuucks. He posted a passer rating of 62.1 in the Thursday night opener against the Packers, in one of the most boring games since February’s Super Bowl. The Bears couldn’t do anything offensively, mostly because Trubisky suuuuucks. It might be time to check out the free agent pool.

5. Lamar Jackson Fantasy Owners

Congrats, you picked Lamar Jackson late in your draft because you knew he’d be amazing. You’re awesome. I wish I were you.

Seriously though, Jackson went into Miami and put up one of the most statistically ridiculous performances by a QB in recent memory. He completed 17 of 20 passes for 324 yards and 5 touchdowns… IN THE FIRST TWO AND A HALF QUARTERS.

6. Dallas Cowboys

Speaking of epic QB performances, Dak Prescott threw for 405 yards and 4 TDs in a rout of the Giants.

7. Jon Gruden’s Balls

Here I was thinking the most impressive thing that Gruden would do this year would be slowly counting backwards from 100 by subtracting 3

…but it looks like ‘ol Chucky hasn’t necessarily forgotten how to coach! The Raiders were able to ignore all the crazy Antonio Brown distractions and got themselves a win on Monday night. After watching Hard Knocks, I would be shocked if this team made the playoffs, but lets let Gruden have his moment.

8. My Bookie

This feels like a season where this guy is going to find himself in the Top 10 more weeks than not.

9. Succession

Without a doubt the best Sunday night drama on TV.

10. Karma

It’s a bitch!

Also Receiving Votes: Will Lutz, Sammy Watkins Fantasy Owners, DeSean Jackson Revenge Tour: IV, Overtime, Backdoor Covers, and the Wentz Wagon.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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