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Welcome to The Prompt’s own NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written consent.

1. Francis Scott Key

FSK has been dead for 175 years, but as Michael Sembello knows, if you write one hit song it will live forever. Speaking of maniacs, we have one in the White House who doesn’t want to let this whole NFL national anthem controversy die. And why should he? Trump’s entire political strategy is to convince uneducated semi-racist white people that he is the only one who can halt their marginalization. Bitching about black millionaires who disrespect our flag and therefore our white war veterans checks all the boxes for the MAGA crowd.

At least we can take comfort in the fact that this delicate issue is now in the gentle hands of Roger Goodell and the league office, who will definitely not make it worse.

OK, enough serious talk, let’s lighten the mood…

2. Aaron Hernandez

Good news Aaron, they’re letting murderers into the Hall of Fame! Now that Ray Lewis has broken Canton’s homicide barrier, let’s take a look at how Hernandez’s stats stack up against other HOF tight ends:

Hernandez averaged 58+ receptions, 652 yards and 6 TDs per season over his career. While I don’t have the time or inclination to do further research, a quick eyeballing of the profootballreference pages for Ozzie Newsome, Mike Ditka and Shannon Sharpe makes it clear that nobody else at that position could touch those numbers.

If we’re being realistic I don’t think he will get in, there are way too many football writers with political axes to grind.

3. T.O.

Terrell Owens has never had trouble being controversial, but in retirement he may have found a stance that has gained (almost) unanimous approval. That stance is “Sports writers who vote on Hall of Fame candidacy are self-righteous nerds on a power trip.” T.O. has tallied the eighth most receptions of all time, the third most touchdown catches, and the second most receiving yards. The fact that he had to wait 3 years to be voted into Canton because some dweeb journalists didn’t like his attitude is ridiculous. Good for Owens for not showing up to their party and instead holding his own induction ceremony at his alma mater.

While we’re on the subject, the fact that Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are not in the HOF but Jeff Bagwell and Trevor Hoffman are makes the entire museum obsolete.

4. Jimmy Garoppolo

POINT: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy… c’mon man! You’re 26-years-old. You have never lost a game in your professional career. You just signed a contract that is going to pay you ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN POINT FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. Oh, and you’re handsome as FUCK. Face of a capital-G God, body to match. You could probably get (just about) any woman you want. Your role model in New England has already laid the path that you should follow: famous actress, maybe an Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, then a Victoria’s Secret angel. Nowhere in that game plan does it say to date a 41-year-old adult performer best known for her work in Your Mom Tossed My Salad 10.

COUNTERPOINT: If you’re a famous single millionaire with an opportunity to copulate with your favorite porn star from back in your high school days you do it and you ignore the haters.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars

Well would you look at that. The Jacksonville Jaguars are your (August) 2018 AFC Champions! This seems like a bit of a reach by @NFL here, especially considering that Andrew Luck is back, DeShaun Watson is back, JJ Watt is back, and Tom Brady is still alive. This isn’t the first young team on the rise that “experts” have predicted will knock the Patriots off of their AFC pedestal, and it won’t be the last.

Good luck Blake.

Bold Prediction: The Jaguars will not make the playoffs – MPS 8.9.18

6. Cleveland Browns

Have no fear, Cleveland—Baker Mayfield is here! LeBron may have bailed on you (again) but now you finally have that franchise quarterback who can lead you to the promised land. Based on my research it looks like the entire Browns culture has changed, thanks to the No. 1 overall pick and talented acquisitions like Jarvis Landry. Granted, my research exclusively consists of watching the season premiere of Hard Knocks, but I think its safe to say that the team will undoubtedly improve this year.

Bolder Prediction: The Browns will.

7. Odell Beckham Jr.

According to reports, the Giants’ star is looking to become the league’s only $100 million wide receiver. According to how nasty he is, he deserves it. The Giants’ entire offense is based on him being a freak of nature, and their performance without him last year proves it. Apparently Landry (Beckham’s teammate at LSU) is lobbying for the Browns to go after OBJ if the Giants won’t fork over the cash. For the sake of the bold prediction I just made (which already don’t feel good about), I hope that happens.

8. Michigan

We’re leaking away from the NFL and into college football, but I thought this post could use a quick reminder that Urban Meyer is a scumbag. I’m from Boston, I don’t root for a particular college team, and I don’t have a horse in this race. All I’ll say is that Tom Brady went to Michigan and Jeffrey Dahmer went to Ohio State. Facts are facts.

9. Saquon Barkley’s Left Leg

10. Saquon Barkley’s Right Leg


My goodness… I’ll take The Highest Drafted Fantasy Football Players Who Have Yet To Play Professionally for $400 Alex!

Far be it from me to objectify this young man’s body, but would you look at those tree trunks! Have fun playing linebacker in the NFC East with this freight train of man meat coming down the tracks. Choo choo!

Andy Rooney Moment of the Week:

I have nothing to add… spot on sir.

Also Receiving Votes: Jay Cutler’s Oral Skills, Jon Gruden’s Bank Account, Jessie James Decker, Randy Moss Kraft, and the Boston Red Sox.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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