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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
Happy Winter, sports fans! These days, when Sunday comes, there is no football on TV. With nothing else to do I have made a brief (and heroic) return to give you the most powerful rankings of the year:
1. New England Patriots
First off, I would like to apologize to all the Patriots haters out there, of which there are many. This is not going to be fun for you.
You all hoped that this would be the year that the dynasty crumbled. That Brady would “fall off a cliff” and the team would finally grow tired of Belichick’s attitude. You thought that their 3-5 road record was indicative of holes in the ship that could not be plugged. You knew there was no way they could beat the Chiefs in Kansas City. Sit still, let me enjoy your tears for a minute.
I have to say, they taste fucking delicious.
Listen, the Patriots of October were not Super Bowl champions. In fact, for the first time in a long time, the Patriots of December were not Super Bowl champions either. But you all forgot two things: First, Bill Belichick, his staff, and his players have an ability to change their identity game-to-game, or even play-to-play, unlike any team in football history.
Second, they don’t play the Super Bowl until February.
For those reasons Belichick is still your worst nightmare…
…while Brady went out and bought himself a new accessory:
For those of you who hope that this will be the last time you need to watch the Pats play on Super Bowl Sunday, I have some incredibly bad news for you…
2. Tony Romo
Who came out of the 2018 season looking better than Tony Romo??? Seriously, does anybody have a higher approval rating than this guy? I think most viewers have enjoyed his commentary the past two seasons, but he reached a new level in the AFC title game. Romo predicted numerous plays perfectly correct in the fourth quarter and overtime. It seemed like he understand the Patriots’ offense far better than the Chiefs’ defense did.
Oh, and did I mention that when he isn’t gazing into the future he is a scratch golfer?
WHAT A YEAR THIS MAN HAS HAD!
3. Patrick Mahomes
Coming in at No. 3, we have the league MVP. Amassing 5,000+ passing yards, 50 touchdowns, and the No. 1 seed is plenty to earn the young QB the hardware. Unfortunately for Chiefs’ fans, they will need to wait a bit longer for the trophy they really want.
I heard an analyst compare Mahomes to Aaron Rodgers the other day, and I completely agree. He is a freakish talent that will be able to make throws nobody else can make, and will probably win a single Super Bowl. Hopefully he maintains a strong relationship with his parents though, look how cute they all are!
4. Baker Mayfield
The Browns weren’t even a .500 team this year, but given their paltry standards it was an absolutely incredible season. Above all else they finally found a franchise quarterback, and Baker has brought some swagger to Cleveland.
Their 7-8-1 record (7-7 with Mayfield at the helm) is more incredible when you realize that it took them well over 3 years to notch their previous 7 wins. Hell, it took interim head coach Gregg Williams only 6 games to get 4 wins, surpassing Hue Jackson’s total of 3 wins in 4o games with Cleveland.
It was a tough year for Hue.
5. Jason Garrett
Speaking of the coaching hot seat, the 5-spot goes to the guy who somehow escaped a certain firing and bought himself more undeserved years in Dallas. If you don’t have a great memory, let me take you back to Week 9, November 5th, the Cowboys have just been blown out by the Titans at home on Monday Night Football. The loss dropped them to 3-5 on the season, and Jerry Jones was finally going to fire his underachieving head coach.
But then he didn’t.
Some people say that Garrett must have some incriminating photos of Jones and is blackmailing him to keep his job. I would like to remind those people that we all have the photos:
Nobody really knows why Garrett kept his job, but a win in Philly the next week gave him enough breathing room to avoid the chopping block. Then the ‘Boys won in Atlanta, beat the division-leading Redskins, and held the Saints to 10 points in a shocking upset win. They went on to finish 10-6, and even won a playoff game.
And that kids, is how Jason Garrett got to keep his job forever…
6. Gary Cavaletto & Patrick Turner
I bet you don’t know who Gary Cavaletto and Patrick Turner are, do you? Let me give you a hint:
I guess that wasn’t really a hint, it was pretty explanatory. These guys round out the list for not only being involved in the most memorable play of the season, but also for somehow avoiding a cajun guillotine. It is a testament to just how unpopular Roger Goodell is. These two idiots can completely blow a call that sends the wrong team to the Super Bowl, but the commish is the villain because he didn’t apologize soon enough.
Listen, few hate the führer more than I do, but he did not commit this crime. The “Whistle Not Heard ‘Round the World” will live in infamy, but the names of the men responsible will soon be forgotten.
At the end of the day it was a sad ending to a weird season in the NFC. Drew Brees should have been in the Super Bowl, now he just cries himself to sleep comforted only by his individual statistical achievements…
7. Big Dick Nick
After Carson Wentz led the defending Super Bowl champions to a mediocre 6-7 record, the defending Super Bowl champion coach decided to start the defending Super Bowl MVP to finish out the season. Foles reeled off a few wins, snuck into the playoffs, and upset the Bears in Chicago on Wild Card Weekend.
Never ones to let results cloud their judgment, the Eagles have decided to move forward with Wentz and let Foles become a free agent. It looks like Nick is going to have a back bulge to match the front!
8. Le’Veon Bell
I hate to over-explain jokes, but I feel like you didn’t get that last one. Nick Foles is going to get paid a lot of money this offseason, therefore his wallet will be very thick, creating a bulge in his back pocket. He already has a bulge in the front of his pants because his penis is huge.
Glad we got that cleared up, now let’s head west on I-76 and talk about the Steelers!
Long story short, Le’Veon Bell may have actually been important. When Pitt was 7-2-1 it certainly appeared that they didn’t need the stud running back. Bell’s replacement James Conner was dominant, leading many to compare the situation to when they changed moms in Fresh Prince.
Then the Steelers lost four of their last six games and missed the playoffs. The offense sputtered down the stretch, the players turned on each other, and Antonio Brown seemingly quit football to become a singing hippo.
I’m not saying that everything would have been different if Bell hadn’t sat out this year, but they certainly missed him (as did thousands of sad, pathetic fantasy football owners).
Never forget that this actually happened:
9. The Uprights
This sexy set of stems was first featured in Week 10’s rankings after Bears kicker Cody Parkey managed to hit her FOUR TIMES IN ONE GAME. In a cruel twist of fate, Chicago’s season came down to a Parkey kick:
And wouldn’t you know it, the dreaded double-doink! An incredibly sad, yet poetic, ending for the 2018 Bears.
Hey, at least it isn’t too cold there, right?
10. Philip Rivers’ Sperm
This crazy dude got his wife pregnant for the NINTH time last year! He also led his team to a 12-4 record, but after getting throttled in New England it will be the insemination that we remember. Vegas has set the over/under at 10.5 Rivers children before all is said and done, with Retirement (-150) edging out Vasectomy (+130) in the “Which Will Happen First” prop bet.
Also Receiving Votes: Saquon Barkley’s Legs, Fitzmagic, Week 2 Super Bowl Champion Jacksonville Jaguars, Josh Gordon’s Dealer, Derrick Henry Fantasy Owners, Arizona Cardinals Draft Strategy, Aaron Rodgers’ Pain Killers, and Former Assistant Coaches to Sean McVay.
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