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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Philadelphia Eagles
That happened. The Foles Wagon drove into Minneapolis and rolled right over the Patriots. Nick the Dick was unstoppable. Doug Pederson out-coached Bill Belichick for four quarters. People in Philadelphia have something to be happy about.
These are all facts. There is no way to spin this. Tip your caps and congratulate the 2017 Prompt NFL Power Ranking Season Numero Uno (and also Super Bowl champions). Well deserved.
2. Patriots Fans
The top picture was taken on February 3rd, 2002. The Patriots, led by Tom Brady, had just won their first Super Bowl. I was 17 years old. I am the one in the Drew Bledsoe (at the time not a throwback) jersey.
The bottom picture was taken on February 4th, 2018. The Patriots, led by Tom Brady, were about to play in their EIGHTH Super Bowl. I am 33 years old. I am the one in the Mike Vrabel throwback jersey. I am holding my daughter.
The purpose of this exercise is not to focus on the weight gain, but to reflect on the longevity of this incredible run. 16 years! That is twice as long as the Bulls dynasty and 3 years longer than Bill Russell’s career. In a sport built on volatility and a league designed for parity, the Patriots have maintained a level of success that has never and will never be replicated.
So yeah, it kind of sucks when they lose. There may be a little bitching about how the Malcolm Butler situation was handled. Maybe fans aren’t thrilled that we tried to win a Super Bowl without playing defense. To those people I ask which team they would prefer to root for? Exactly. The Patriots go 12-4 or better every season and wake up in the AFC championship game.
Tom ain’t done, Bill ain’t done, Josh ain’t leaving.
They will be back in the thick of it next year, and probably the year after. No other fan base can say that.
3. Tom Brady
Hey New England, we’re mouth-kissing our family members now. Get with the program or get off the Duck Boat. Make out with your children and french your parents or move to Indianapolis. Your choice.
Now that we got that out of the way we can discuss the GGOATOAT. That is not a typo. He threw for 500 yards in his eighth Super Bowl the day after winning the league MVP award at 40 years old. He is the Greatest GOAT of All Time. The discussion is over. Sure, a sixth ring would have been more icing and the biggest cake in football history, but we’re playing with house money now.
Oh, and he’s not done. Josh McDaniels didn’t spurn the Colts for Brady to not play 3+ more years.
4. Average Quarterbacks
What a year for middle-of-the-road passers in the National Football League. No group of people emerged better than this club of mediocre QBs. Alex Smith just got a $94 million contract with the Redskins for SEVENTY-ONE MILLION DOLLARS GUARANTEED! That is wild. Those same Redskins are likely to franchise tag Kirk Cousins (~$24 million in 2018) and then trade him to a team willing to sign him to a lucrative long-term contract. On top of that, guys like Blake Bortles and Case Keenum just led their teams to conference championship games. Oh yeah, and Nick Fucking Foles just won the Super Bowl. What a world.
5. The Cart Guys
Nobody got more screen time in 2017 than the anonymous gentlemen who valiantly removed injured soldiers from the battlefield. This was a bad year for injuries in the NFL and many of the league’s best and brightest had their seasons cut violently short. Playoff hopes were dashed in both real life (Packers, Texans, etc.) and fake nerd fantasy life (owners of David Johnson, Odell Beckham Jr., etc.).
Also Receiving Votes: The Anterior Cruciate Ligament
6. Colin Kaepernick
Colin Kaepernick was a fixture on the Power Rankings this year, and for good reason. A guy with a career passer rating just a tick below 90 was seemingly blackballed by the league because of his political views. I always felt like it was an interesting time for the owners to start caring about character, especially as we bore witness to some of the worst quarterback play in the history of organized sports. Due to the aforementioned rising “stars” at Kap’s position I doubt that he makes his way back on to a roster next year, but you will never be able to take that GQ “Man of the Year” award away from him.
7. Tony Romo
Is Tony Romo the voice of our generation? I’ll be honest, I did NOT see that coming. In a world where everyone loves to complain about play-by-play and color commentators, I think Romo’s approval rating is the highest. I definitely heard people bitch about how he overdid it with predicting plays, but I really enjoyed the insight. The dude just loves football and he made the games more entertaining. Now that Vin Scully is dead, I think Tony Romo may be our consensus national treasure of a sports broadcaster.
Editor’s Note: Vin Scully is alive.
8. Hollywood Rams
So it wasn’t a Hollywood ending for the upstart L.A. Rams, but any time you improve from 4-12 to 11-5 you get a spot on this list. They were supposed to win a playoff game for the first time in 14 seasons but it just wasn’t in the cards. An exciting offense and talented defense will make them a contender for years to come, as the NFC West is all of a sudden the most compelling division in the league.
Speaking of the Rams, their coach is SO YOUNG! HOW YOUNG IS HE? When his future team lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXVI Sean McVay was only 15 years old:
9. Jimmy Garoppolo
Another reason why the NFC West will be so compelling is because the San Francisco 49ers are probably going to go 16-0. Handsome Jimmy has never lost a game. The man is undefeated. No other quarterback in history can say that. When he meets TB12 in Super Bowl LIII it is going to be liiit!
10. Cleveland Browns
Rounding out the Rankings are the lovable loser Cleveland Browns. Not only did they have a “perfect” season, they also had a parade to celebrate it. Not the most dignified day for the city, but certainly not the least either. The real reason they made the list is because they have the #1 and #4 picks in April’s draft, a scenario that would instantly turn any franchise around.
Unfortunately, these are the Browns that we’re talking about. Pray for these guys…
Keep your head up Cleveland, you still have LeBron!
Also Receiving Votes: My Bookie, SKOL, Bills Mafia, Randy Moss, JJ Watt, Alvin Kamara, Bradley Cooper, Todd Gurley Fantasy Owners, Eli Manning, Pat’s, Geno’s, Dilly and Dilly
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