Welcome to the Prompt’s own weekly (sometimes tri-weekly) NFL Power Rankings, back from holiday vacation to rank all the things that matter. Before we can look ahead to the playoffs we must reflect on the season that was. As always, we apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.
There is another quarterback in New England that gets most of the praise, but if you really look at the numbers it is clear who deserves the top spot in the rankings. Lets take a gander at some key 2016 stats:
Handsome Jimmy: 0
“Fast & Loose” Tommy: 2
I rest my case. It is being reported that Brady will likely be the playoff starter for the 14-2 Patriots as they attempt to ride the #1 seed to Houston for their 7th Super Bowl appearance this century, but at this point it is just speculation.
There isn’t much more to say about this team that hasn’t already been said, so it’s a good thing that these are the last Power Rankings of the season (and I have officially run out of ways to plug “Dak” into bad photoshops). The ‘Boys ran away with the top spot in the NFC behind their dynamic rookies and are two wins away from a return to the Super Bowl.
A child born the last time the Cowboys won the whole thing will be able to legally drink in a few weeks, in a new segment I like to call Do You Feel Old Now!?!
Huge season for the outer (and usually smaller) of the two bones between the knee and the ankle in humans. Christmas Eve saw the fracturing of a couple important fibulas that altered the AFC playoff race. First, Tennessee QB Marcus Mariota went down and erased any chance of a Titans comeback and postseason opportunity. Then, Oakland QB Derek Carr suffered a break that took the… legs… right out from under any fantasy of a Raiders’ championship run. To add injury to injury, Carr’s broken fib dropped him from the MVP race and his team from a #2 to #5 seed.
Speaking of the Raiders, we can’t leave JDR’s gigantic balls off of our year-in-review ranks. Oakland improved to 12-4 and made the playoffs after finishing 7-9 in 2015. Del Rio made a bunch of ballsy calls along the way, frequently leaving the offense on the field on 4th down and even going for 2-point conversions to win instead of PATs to tie. Nobody sacked up more than BlackJack, which worked out well because I loved using that picture.
The best part of a hangover is that you probably had a great night. The worst part is the struggle to continue living your life. The Panthers and Broncos each came down with bad cases of the Sunday Scaries after last year’s Super Bowl runs and couldn’t shake it all season. Carolina and Crybaby Cam posted a pathetic 6-10 record, while Denver went 2-4 within their division (9-7 overall) and missed the playoffs for the first time since 2010.
We featured super agent Jimmy Sexton a couple times this year, and he deserves a spot in the season-long Top 10 because of just how much money he was able to secure for such horrible quarterbacks. Sexton represents both Brock Osweiler and Ryan Fitzpatrick, who represent the two worst QB ratings in the league (72.2 and 69.6 respectively). Oshitweiler and Fitzmagic combined for 27 touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and $49 million of guaranteed salary. Helluva job Jimmy!
With all the hullaballoo of the regular season you may have forgotten about the offseason champion Buffalo Bills. While the Patriots may have won the AFC East, Rex Ryan’s team won July, and that’s what really matters. The boisterous coach was fired after a disappointing 7-9 campaign, but nobody can ever take away his championship. Never change Rex, never change.
After Green Bay’s Week 11 loss to Washington dropped them to 4-6, Rodgers made it clear as to what the team needed to do: “Run the table.” And that they did, completing a 6-game winning streak last Sunday night to win the NFC North and secure a playoff spot. The run proves once and for all that you do not need a family to be a successful NFL quarterback.
The biggest news story of 2015 mercilessly died down this year, giving football fans a reprieve from the tired arguments and exhausting banter. After Tom Brady returned from his 4-game suspension to open the season, there was no more conversation about deflated footballs. When the Giants accused the Steelers of a similar offense, the controversy was squashed by the league office almost immediately. Like most sequels, Deflategate 2 failed to live up to the original, and was over in a matter of days. That’s why the original Deflategate makes the list… it is still the king of all scandals.
As a side note, a strong case can be made that the Patriots came out of this entire ordeal better than they went into it. New England finished the season with the best record in the league, despite their star QB missing the first month of the season. During TB12’s resting period their backup was able to show enough skill to likely demand a 1st round pick in an offseason trade. That pick will be more valuable than the one the league stripped from the Pats, meaning once again, the Pats come out ahead. Oh, and the whistleblowers in this situation have all been decimated… both the Colts and Ravens finished 8-8 and missed the playoffs… snitches get stitches.
The Browns didn’t make this list because they had a top-10 season… not even close. They were the worst team in the league, and if it weren’t for LeBron James, the city of Cleveland would be as depressed as ever. (Instead they’re literally eating shit during championship parades). But considering how badly things could have gone, the Browns turned out to be unexpectedly clutch in closing out the season.
First, a Week 16 win over the Chargers meant that they would avoid an embarrassing 0-16 record (sorry, Detroit). Then, by choking away a potential Week 17 win against the Steelers’ JV squad they secured the #1 overall pick in April’s draft. Welcome to Believeland Myles Garrett!
Also Receiving Votes: Matty Ice, Jeff Fisher, Bills Mafia, Brady’s Dildo, Extra Points, The Wentz Wagon, Chiefs Under, Falcons Over, Color Rush, Kicking Nets, Cleveland Cavaliers, Chicago Cubs, Westworld, Kissing Your Sister, My Bookie and Tony Romo’s Handicap
We don’t condone gambling here at The Prompt, we fucking LIVE for it. Here are Mike’s predictions for the Wild Card round, please handle with caution…
Raiders +3.5 @ Texans
Seahawks -8 vs Lions
Steelers -10 vs Dolphins
Giants +5 @ Packers