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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Powerless Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.


I tried my best to find 10 players or teams to celebrate this week, but it was impossible. Not enough deserving nominees, and way too many people that deserve ridicule. In that spirit, I’m taking a break from Power Rankings and instead submitting Loser Rankings for Week 12…

1. Hue Jackson

Nobody has made poor coaching into art form quite like Hue Jackson. He was fired after his 2.5 year stint with the Browns resulted in a 3-36-1 record. This season of HBO’s Hard Knocks was basically a snuff film about his ineptitude.

Jackson then landed a job in Cincinnati as the Assistant to the Regional Manager on Marvin Lewis’s staff. Unfortunately for the Bengals, Hue’s stink has rubbed off on them. They hosted the Browns this week, having beaten them seven straight times dating back to 2014. This time was different, as Baker Mayfield dominated Cincy’s “defense” en route to a 35-20 win.

Then things went from bad to worse. Jackson found Mayfield after the game for a bro hug, and was instead met with a very stiff and quick “leave me the fuck alone” handshake:

Baker went on to clarify the exchange during his post-game press conference:

Some people are saying that the QB is being immature, but I love this. Sports are better when players have personalities. Cocky Baker is the best Baker.

But seriously, Hue Jackson’s coaching career is over… I don’t see how he can recover from this.

2. Aaron Rodgers

Thanksgiving week is always difficult for Aaron because it serves as a reminder that his family doesn’t like him. This year was especially difficult because the Packers also lost in Minnesota, dropping them to 4-6-1 on the season (the same record as the aforementioned Browns). The Vikings D held Rodgers to under 200 yards passing, an unimpressive night from a guy that is supposed to be the most impressive*.

Oh well, at least he has 134 million friends to keep him company.

* This is where I would normally rehash the laughable GOAT argument from Week 9, but this edition is for losers, so for once we’re not going to talk about Brady.

3. Mike McCarthy

We’re not done with the 4-6-1 Packers just yet! It wouldn’t be fair to place all the blame for their season on the QB, not with this neanderthal calling the plays. The much-maligned Mike McCarthy has been on the hottest of hot seats recently, mostly due to some very questionable decisions during the Week 11 Seahawks loss.

As you’ve figured out, I’m not some football expert, so I won’t analyze the Xs & Os and tell you whether or not McCarthy is a good coach. I am, however, a degenerate gambler, and it is imperative for someone who bets on the NFL to figure out which teams will rally around their coach in December and which have quit on him. My degenerate opinion is that he has lost the team… Cardinals +14.

4. Jalen Ramsey

Another guy who took a huge L this week (and this whole season, really) is Jalen Ramsey. The outspoken corner for the Week 2 Super Bowl Champion Jacksonville Jaguars is having to eat his words a lot these days. The problem for Ramsey is that he talked a lot of shit, so those words probably don’t taste very good.

Back in August he gave an interview to GQ slamming most of the QBs in the league, but the guy who got the brunt of it was Buffalo’s first-round draft pick Josh Allen:

“I think Allen is trash. I don’t care what nobody say. He’s trash. And it’s gonna show too. That’s a stupid draft pick to me. We play them this year, and I’m excited as hell. I hope he’s their starting quarterback. He played at Wyoming. Every time they played a big school—like, they played Iowa State, which is not a big school in my opinion because I went to Florida State, and he threw five interceptions, and they lost by a couple touchdowns or something like that.

“He never beat a big school. If you look at his games against big schools, it was always hella interceptions, hella turnovers. It’s like: Yo, if you’re this good, why couldn’t you do better? He fits that mold, he’s a big, tall quarterback. Big arm, supposedly. I don’t see it, personally.”

This week Allen got his revenge, leading the Bills to a 24-21 victory that dropped the Jags to 3-8. Huge W for Wyoming.

 

5. Pittsburgh Steelers

    

Is it possible that the Steelers needed Le’Veon Bell after all? Pittsburgh managed only 75 yards on the ground in Sunday’s loss to the Broncos, which you would know if you paid attention to the pictures. It probably isn’t time to hit the panic button considering Big Ben threw for 462 yards and they would have won had it not been for a few turnovers. Still, the Steelers fell to 7-3-1, and gave the #2 seed back to the Patriots for the time being.

6. The Rest of the AFC East

Speaking of the Patri– actually, let’s not speak of them. This is the Loser Rankings. Let’s speak about the rest of the AFC East. The Bills, Jets and Dolphins all stink… not just this year, every year. I know this isn’t news, especially to haters who love to point out that the key to the Pats’ success is a weak division, but lets look at the numbers:

Brady is 22-10 in his career against the Dolphins, the team that has historically proven to be the most formidable foe. He is now 27-8 when playing the Jets after this week’s victory, and is 30-3 against the Bills. 30-3! The Patriots have  won 79 percent of their division games with TB12 under center. And here I am talking about the Pats when I said I wouldn’t… you never learn.

7. Drew Brees

Remember a couple weeks ago when we all thought that Drew Brees was the NFL’s all-time leading passer?? You remember, they stopped the game and had a big celebration, made a real spectacle of it. Well it turns out that they forgot to tally all the passing yards from the playoff games. Oops.

8. Nick Bosa

Last week I put Nick Bosa on the Power Rankings because he was the consensus #1 overall pick in April’s draft. After watching the 49ers, Cardinals, and Raiders all get their doors blow off this week, I think we need to put Bosa on the Powerless list. Whichever 2-9 team emerges in last place is going to be an unfit parent to whomever they select.

9. Carolina Panthers

Not a good week for Cam & Co as the Panthers continued their free fall with a home loss to the Seahawks. They have now dropped three straight after their hot 6-2 start, and are in a dog fight for an NFC wild card spot. Look for them to bounce back in Tampa this week as they face a familiar opponent in a must-win game… Carolina -3.5 is the pick.

10. Fitzmagic

Speaking of Tampa, I thought we could close this week with a quick eulogy for the sensation once known as Fitzmagic. On September 9th, 2018 Ryan Fitzpatrick led the Bucs to a 48-40 victory in New Orleans. He threw for 417 yards, 4 touchdowns, and zero interceptions in what is still the Saints’ only loss of the season. He followed that up with a couple more 400-yard performances, in a win over the defending champion Eagles and a close 3-point loss to the Steelers. September was a Fitzmagical time.

Since September things have not been going as well. Fitzpatrick never won another game and Jameis Winston is now QB1. It appears that the 36-year-old Harvard grad may need to find something else to do besides playing professional football.

It is sad, but we’ll always have the good times…

 


Also Receiving Votes: Michigan, Reuben Foster, The Washington Redskins PR Department, Mitch Trubisky, People Playing Against Christian McCaffrey in Fantasy Football, and The Office after Steve Carell Left

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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