I am a lover of words. Like Amy Dunne in Gone Girl, I am a voracious reader. I love copyediting. I live for correct grammar and the Oxford comma. Therefore, I feel adequately qualified in writing about which letters I’d most like to bone. Here goes nothing.
D – The Third Most Fuckable Letter
I mean, this almost goes without saying. I want the D.
C – The Third Least Fuckable Letter
I know I say X is too much of an enigma, but C is just too basic. Nothing about C appeals to me in any way.
E – The Second Most Fuckable Letter
Did you ever see the episode of Broad City where Ilana has a fling with Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development and they are basically twins? I think this is my fantasy with E. E has been a part of my life for 25 years now, and I think we would be really compatible and have good chemistry. All the straight lines and little nooks of E also appeal to me – as a Type-A person (letter humor), those clean lines really get me going. I think E would be sensitive in bed, and really listen to my needs.
X – The Second Least Fuckable Letter
You would think I’d be into X. X is edgy. X is dangerous. X is moody. But X is a little too much for me. Maybe someday, but for right now, I think X is just too much for me to handle.
R – The Most Fuckable Letter
R, for whatever reason, seems powerful to me. R stands tall. R has confidence. R is aggressive, but knows how to be sensitive. And R’s love to be rolled, if you know what I mean. R is also somewhat mysterious. Why is its one leg so long? Why can it be angry but also loving at the same time? R also has a nice curve that would be good to nestle into. I could be the little spoon with R – major points. I think I might be in love with R?
H – The Least Fuckable Letter
H is extremely unsexy. There, I said it. H takes itself too seriously and would be no fun. H would be the most boring sex of all time. H is so traditional, so unwilling to take chances, so against switching things up. We all know an H. I’m really not about it.
I – The Third Most Fuckable Letter
Tall. Slim. Stunning. What’s not to like about ‘I?’ When it comes to confidence, this letter has it in spades. Sure, maybe ‘I’ is a bit arrogant and only talks about himself. But aficionados of the sexual arts know that the self-absorbed are often pretty fun in bed. (Just pay no attention to the rumors that you can finish off an ‘I’ in one stroke.)
Mega props for being one of the only letters who’s bold enough to stand by himself. Lots of other letters don’t own their solo activity, but ‘I’ stands alone, proud, boldly letting everyone know that it’s ok to enjoy yourself.
Q – The Third Least Fuckable Letter
Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little intrigue in my sexing. In a world of endless unsolicited dick pics, sometimes there’s a little special something about not knowing what your present is before you unwrap it. That’s why I’m so disappointed in ‘Q,’ who just leaves everything on display.
You can’t ignore the fact that he’s almost always begging to let ‘U’ tag along too. I get it. Threesomes are hot, but just drop it for once maybe?
Just look at him, tucked away in the corner of the keyboard, too good to mingle, flaunting his Scrabble 10. Sorry ‘Q,’ but things just aren’t queuing up.
G – The Second Most Fuckable Letter
She’s built for pleasure, that ‘G.’ She’s got a handle on top so you can really go to town, and that belly (or pouch?) has all sorts of containment potential.
There’s a reason sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage says the best partners are what he calls ‘GGG.’ He doesn’t admit it, but it’s because one of the best sex partners is really just 3 ‘Gs.’
C – The Second Least Fuckable Letter
“Cs get degrees,” as the saying goes. You know what they don’t get? Laid.
They’re bossy. The other saying goes, “‘I’ before ‘E,’ except after ‘C.’” Where does ‘C’ get off, thinking he can just tell the vowels what to do? (The answer is nowhere near me.)
‘C’ also comes in two varieties: hard c and soft c. I only took one semester of Human Sexuality in college, so I’m hardly a sexpert, as they say. But I know enough to say that when it comes to getting down and dirty, some folks prefer their partners’ parts hard, and some soft. The catch, though, is that they like the hard to stay hard and the soft to stay soft. So when you get a freaking namby-pamby like ‘C’ who is sometimes one and sometimes the other… you swipe left hard.
B – The Most Fuckable Letter
I almost can’t behave myself, thinking about that B. Whether you’re into boobs or butts or balls, ‘B’ is out there leading the way. (Also, you ever notice how much B looks like all of them?)
For all you cunning linguists out there, the sound /b/ is known as a voiced bilabial plosive. Voiced means you know she’s going to talk dirty to you. Plosive is a fancy word that means blocking off airflow and then letting it out, just like that orgasm ‘B’ is bound to coax out of you. And as for bilabial, you know what else has two labia? That’s right: a vulva. (The vulva is the outside of the vagina, for those of you who weren’t paying attention in your single semester of Human Sexuality in college.)
Bang, bone, or boink: it’s all about the ‘B,’ baby.
X – The Least Fuckable Letter
Intrigue is a good thing. But too much intrigue is, well, not a good thing. Trying to go to Pound Town with ‘X’ is an exasperating exercise in self-examination: “Is ‘X’ into this? Is ‘X’ into that? Should I slow down? Stop? Keep going?” As any guy knows, the fastest route to Limp Dick Central is through Self-Doubt Station, and knowing that ‘X’ exudes an inexhaustible and inexplicable air of mystery will make you want to get off this sex train early.
You ever gotten into bed with someone, ready to knock boots, and been unsure if you’re licking their face, their hands, or their feet? No, of course not, because most sex partners have a clearly definable shape. In contrast, you don’t know whether ‘X’ is coming or going — which means it won’t be long before you’re going and not coming.
Don’t let ‘X’ be an ex. Get out before you get it on.
W – The Third Most Fuckable Letter
You want options? W’s got options.
It’s versatile, it’s asymmetrical, it’s got crooks and crannies and all sorts of proboscises (proboscii?) to fool around with.
Properly lubed, I can easily see a W as the lynchpin in a ninesome.
Good for you, W. Live your life.
L – The Third Least Fuckable Letter
L looks like a eunuch’s lap.
And even if you want to cry “ABLEISM!” while making a Grey Worm based argument in favor of sexy-time with eunuchs…
I still say you can’t be a sexy letter if half the REAL world can’t pronounce you.
End of story.
X – The Second Most Fuckable Letter
No matter how you map it, X can mark my spot.
X is perfectly balanced. It’s the Denzel Washington of letters. The Vitruvian Man of letters. Symmetry. Is. Sexy.
End of the day, bullshit letters like S, J, G, and Y can’t hang.
They ain’t gon’ give it to ya.
Q – The Second Least Fuckable Letter
It’s a butthole with a razorblade. A sphincter with a trap.
Nice try, I guess?
Do not want.
O – The Most Fuckable Letter
If yOu dOn’t think the letter O is the mOst fuckable letter, yOu’re legitimately dumb.
I mean that. With every hateful Ounce of my chOlesterOl-riddled heart.
I dOn’t care that it’s Obvious, I dOn’t care that yOu expected me tO say it, I dOn’t care if wanting to fuck an O makes me basic (Or whatever the 13 year Olds whO hOpefully aren’t reading this say nOwadays).
O is smOOth and rOund and ready to pOund.
As sOmeOne famOus Once said…
“If it rhymes, it has tO be true.” – Zach Straus
LOOk at it. Tell me it’s nOt turning yOu On.
Any size, any fOnt, capital and lOwercase, the O brings Out yOur best O-face.
“If it slant rhymes, it alsO has tO be true.” – AlsO Zach Straus
O is sO sexy, we had to change the spelling Of the wOrd “cOme” to “cum” sO peOple wOuld stOp “cOming” sO quickly when they saw it written Out.
The Only character that wOuld be better tO fuck than an O is
which is nOt a letter, but when yOu cOme dOwn tO it, still basically twO Os bOund tOgether in an infinite fuck lOOp.
SO, sure, that sOunds like the dream, but unfOrtunately, I can’t spend eternity fuckin’.
I gOt bills tO pay, true things tO say.
OvOr. OvOrythOng. On. OOrth.
F – The Absolute Least Fuckable Letter
It was always going to be you. Face facts, F.
Your form is uninviting, a straight, turned back and two arms shoving everything else away.
You’re a physical manifestation of the word no. This is The Age of Affirmative Consent.
So, if your body says no, but your mouth says yes, that’s just not enough for me to undress.
“If it rhymes, it has to be true.” – Zach Straus