The 9 Dumbest Things I Did {in 2018}

Twenty-eighteen was a stupid year. Accordingly, I did a bunch of dumb things just to prove that I don’t think I’m better than anyone. Here’s a recap!

1. I took an Uber from one bar to the exact same bar one town over.

So to answer some of your questions here. Yes, I still use Uber… I know, I know. Also, yes, the Uber driver did call me out on it. She didn’t explicitly insinuate that I was an alcoholic or a moron, but I got the sense she wondered. We had a laugh about it but I got the sense we were both laughing at me. And finally, in case you are ever in Charleston, South Carolina, definitely check out at least one of the Home Team BBQ spots.

2. I lived a full year with a broken window in my bedroom.

Look, sometimes you have to prioritize things and sometimes you have to accept that the things at the bottom of your to do list won’t get to done. Technically it’s double-paned glass so I didn’t freeze and at worst, it only made our apartment slightly less energy efficient and/or safe. Plus you gotta leave something for yourself to do next year!

3. I parked my car at the Baltimore airport forgetting that I was flying back to town through the DC airport.

I actually had to beg an airline employee to send me to Baltimore. Where is John Candy and his traveling polka band when you need them?

4. I became slightly obsessed with the preponderance of perfume commercials on TV.

You know the ones, right? With Charlize Theron, Natalie Portman, or the Hemsworth du jour. They are 30 second independent films that don’t exactly turn me on, but definitely don’t turn me off. Mostly, I am not sure why the world went from having almost no expensive scent commercials to so many. Nor why these strong, interesting Academy Award winners aren’t in more creative works.

5. I limited my new grudges in 2018.

Some people talk big game about “no new friends,” but me? I’m about that no new grudges life. Creating a grudge takes a lot of mental energy, which has become an endangered resource during the Trump administration.

But sometimes, you need to get that blood boiling to know that it’s even still flowing. You think Santa has a naughty list because he’s a meticulous notetaker? The big man needs the occasional rush too! For me, 2017 was a mammoth year for grudges, so in 2018, I came back to the mean. I decided to maintain the grudges I already keep, and only take on new grudges in case of emergency.

6. I got into an email fight with my father-in-law.

We both said some things. We both learned some things. We still love each other. And now we know not to argue via email nor about Colin Kaepernick and the NFL.

7. I trained hard for a 10-mile race and it worked.

Why is this a dumb thing? It included frequent running in the cold and dark and was the first time I purposely ran hills since high school practices. Yes, I ran a PR (personal record), but I also reminded myself that if I want to achieve something, the best way to do it is to give more time and sweat to the cause. And that’s a pain in the ass.

8. I adulted, sporadically.

Lightning round! I reduced my carbon footprint by buying a hybrid car and getting rid of an old Jeep after a surly mechanic lectured me about better car maintenance. I went to the doctor for a nagging cough after 3 weeks of hacking like a lunatic. I judged others less. I slept almost exclusively in beds. I cut wayyyyy back on Candy Crush.

Instagram, you’re next!

9. I spent more money on fewer beers.

Evolution! And not just the Maryland brewery that makes Lot #3 IPA. College me would be disgusted by 30-something me, but I have figured out which beers I enjoy and which beers I tolerate. Now, I am quick to spend a couple extra dollars on the stuff that makes me happier. Yes, I’m the guy who asks what the rotating local selection is on the draft list, and let me tell you, it’s absolutely two dollars better than a Bud Light. Dilly Dilly!