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I know you didn’t come here for a sob story, but let’s just say it’s been a long time. I’m not sure if it’s something I said, something I did, or something I am, but the last time I had a legitimate shot at action was during the Nixon administration. For those scoring at home, that’s two impeachments ago.

I’ve tried everything. I went to bars. I went to key parties. I even sent casting tapes I sent to the classic 1980s dating game show, Love Connection. So you could never accuse me of not trying. You could never say, “Dolores, you might want to try putting yourself out there.”

Because I’ve been out there.

Including the time I walked naked down I-75—from the Sunrise-Weston-Davie tripoint to exit 23—carrying a “Free Love” sign. I only stopped because I was about to enter the damn Everglades. Not many men worth catching there. More likely to walk right into the jaws of a gator than the arms of a lover. And being alone for so long is hard, but I’m not that desperate. Still a lot to live for.

So, I decided to try something new after hearing a local news story about a young man who was scammed out of thousands of dollars from a website called Craigslist. Have you heard of it? Apparently, it’s a more confusing Classifieds section. And, I’m not here to take anyone’s money, but this Missed Connections section seemed like a promising new way to find love.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to do it, so I just kind of poked around a bit and found the posts that sounded most intriguing. Figured I might as well take a shot. Nothing to lose, right?

Re: very fit 60’s guy

Yes, hello. The name’s Dolores. Are you asking for a top man or saying that you are a top man? If the latter, consider me interested. Forgive my ignorance. It’s my first time.

Re: Helen Mirren type woman in Delray

Yes, hello. The name is Dolores. I’m over 50 and I live in the senior living center at Waterside Landing. I’ve seen a number of Helen Mirren films, but I’m more of an Anne Ramsey kind of lady.

Since turning 77, I’ve decided not to drive because it’s too risky, and besides, the shuttle takes me everywhere I want to go. So, I’m afraid there will be no Mustangs, unless you have one or are one.

While I do not have a college education, I’ve got plenty of streetsmarts, so I’m slightly offended at your calling me “thick.” Though, I’m willing to look past it if we can meet in person.



Re: Private Pool Paradise

Yes, hello. The name is Dolores. If you’re looking to float around for free, the Waterside Senior Living Center has a wonderful pool and I’m allowed to bring up to three guests each day, at no cost whatsoever. Plenty of people letting it all hang out. You’d be very welcome to join.



Re: Looking to meet a lady tonight

Yes, hello. The name’s Dolores. I wasn’t sure at first if this was worth responding to, since it sounds rather generic. But I’m a lady and am always looking for fun. We can meet at my place. I’m on the third floor at the Waterside Senior Living Center. Here’s a pic, like you requested.

It isn’t fancy, but the table set is antique and has been in the family for years.



Re: Wed at Boston Market

Yes, hello. The name is Dolores. I once ordered the prime rib once from Boston Market after clipping a ‘buy one get one’ coupon from one of those entertainment books. Margery’s grandson was selling them to fund some activities for his baseball team, and she’s my neighbor here at the Waterside Senior Center, so I felt obligated to buy one.

Anyway, I don’t drive and the shuttle stopped going to that strip mall, so if you’re still interested in enjoying some prime rib, I’d be happy to buy yours from the Boston Market… I’ve still got a coupon!



Kelaine Conochan

The editor-in-chief of this magazine, who should, in all honesty, be a gym teacher. Don’t sleep on your plucky kid sister.

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