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UGH. Is the impossible toil of your perpetual positivity getting you down? Are you sick of your own sunny disposition and tired from carrying the weight of your hopefulness? When you look at yourself in the mirror, are you disgusted by the sight of your smiling face?

Well, take off those rose-colored glasses and look no further. Because with the Misanthropy TV Package, now you have every reason to just sit back and watch as humanity decays. We’ve got 24/7 coverage on five different channels, and this month, your cable company is running an exclusive promotion. If you agree to install a landline* AND to forward patriotic chain letter emails you received via your dad’s friends**, we’ll throw in the  Misanthropy TV Package for a full year, absolutely FREE!

(*or at least pay for it despite its obvious obsolescence in your life)
(**if not patriotic, then racist will suffice)

Misanthropy TV: The Next Level in Entertainment

Just when you thought reality TV was enthralling: the drama, the back-stabbing, the vapid, entitled monsters seeking fame and coining catch phrases. Well, after digging up Donald Trump’s irrelevant corpse and vaulting him back to stardom so he could scowl from his post as PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, there’s really nowhere else for reality TV to go. No new mountains to climb.

And so, the same medium, industry, and producers that catalyzed the imminent downfall of democracy have no choice but to TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

That’s right, folks. We won’t bother hiring talented writers to script shows. Let the poets and creatives stay idle and crawling with self-doubt (it’s far less expensive). And besides! Why bother with a three-act structure, compelling dialogue, or a believable narrative arc when instead you can watch the human race eat itself, gnawing at its own skin like dogs plagued by mange? IT’S A NO-BRAINER!

What the Misanthropy TV Package Gets You

Here are just a few of our most appalling programming highlights:

The Car Accident Channel

Want to see all the carnage of the open road without all that awful traffic? Well, have we got good news for you, ya rubbernecker!

Now, you can watch minivans, sedans, and coupes get totaled—in beautiful HD footage. The Car Accident Channel offers the most tragic side-swiping, jack-knifing 18-wheeler collisions this side of the dark web. And BONUS—you even get to watch as 40 tons of steel and cargo go rolling onto mountainside runaway ramps! We even zoom in on the injuries, deaths, and explosions, getting you the morose, fatalistic coverage you’ve always wanted. We know it’s hard to look away—and we’re counting on it!

The Climate Change Channel

For our more academic audiences, we offer an inside look at the science of climate change and its impact on Earth—JUST KIDDING! Let’s skip the boring measurements and innovative solutions and head right to the drama, shall we? Tune in as we delve into the raw and worsening impact of climate change, where it hurts the most. Journey with us to South Sudan and Yemen, where we watch famine grip an entire population, almost too skinny to look human. Where will famine hit next? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING US! Just kidding. We’re totally safe. But other people ARE dying of starvation and lack of resources, just to be clear.

Then head for cooler temperatures, where we watch pesky, dangerous polar bears take their final breath, alone and starved on a floating ice disk in the middle of the Arctic.

And don’t forget to tune in for primetime programming of natural disasters, where homes are flooded, crushed, and swept away by EXTREME rain, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, and fracking-induced earthquakes! COOL FEATURE ALERT: The climate change channel uses a bottom ticker to show the current global temperature and a predictive countdown clock before we reach the tipping point. GET READY TO GO BEYOND THE POINT OF NO RETURN!

Misanthropy 4 Kids Channel

Move over Nickeolodeon! Because we’ve got a cutting edge misanthropy lineup especially designed 4 Kids. Now your kids can learn about geography, sales, and ethics as youngsters just like them are trafficked and sold across the globe. And if they think you’re mean for taking away their smartphones, simply set them in front of the TV and let them watch as kids JUST LIKE THEM have to make iPhones for 16 hours a day—and don’t even get to keep them! There’s tons of educational value on the Misanthropy 4 Kids channel, where your children can learn the most important lesson of all: just how awful humans are as a species.

The Violence Channel

Nothing quite incites misanthropy like some good, old fashioned violence, and this channel has ALL types. For the traditionalist, we keep it simple with fistfights in high schools, parking lots, and outside Black Friday sales. But in our 6 P.M. slot, we have live, split-screen coverage of every active war zone on the planet. Witness the drama as communities, families, and nations are torn apart. Watch the LIVE impact of IEDs, heavy artillery, shrapnel, and fallout. Pardon the pun, but it’ll blow your mind.

Are the brutalities of war not enough for you? Well, lucky for you, we also have full-blown genocide coverage. Relive the horror of Armenia, Cambodia, Rwanda, Sarajevo, the Holocaust, and more! There’s something gruesome and gut-wrenching for literally every ethnic group!

The “Not In America” Channel

And we are so excited to bring you the groundbreaking Not In America Channel, where viewers are treated to a split-screen tour de force unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. That’s a promise.

Our patented JuxtaposeHD™ screen shows a feed of two contrasting scenes, happening LIVE in these United States. Just a taste of what you might find:

  • In the full color panel, witness the hipsters, bohemians, and tourists in line for Cronuts® outside Soho’s Dominique Ansel Bakery in Manhattan, New York. In the black-and-white panel, watch the waiting room in a healthcare clinic in Flint, Michigan.
  • In the full color panel, GoPro footage from a floor manager at a Whole Foods in Newport Beach, California. In the black-and-white panel, observe the middle-stakes tables at a casino in Charlestown, West Virginia.
  • In the full color panel, a panoramic shot of the 9th hole club house at a country club in Boca Raton, Florida. Beneath it in a black-and-white panel, the parking lot of a convenience store in Ferguson, Missouri.

And that’s not all! The soundtrack to this shocking visual experience features prominent speeches from Ronald Reagan’s presidency, played over Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” John Mellencamp’s “Ain’t That America,” and Calloway’s “I Wanna Be Rich.”

Act Now! Subscribe to Misanthropy TV Today!

It’s a full-on entertainment experience you won’t want to miss. And with a limited time offer like this one, you must act fast. So call your cable company today and demand Misanthropy TV!

Kelaine Conochan

The editor-in-chief of this magazine, who should, in all honesty, be a gym teacher. Don’t sleep on your plucky kid sister.

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