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Words matter. And we are here to help you make some better choices. Because it doesn’t matter if you’re a parent reading kids’ books to your precious children, or someone who’s just gotten really into 1960s Adam West era Batman recently…

Your rampant use of onomatopoeia in adult settings is becoming a problem.

Unless you’re Emeril, shouting “BAM!” at work bothers and startles your colleagues and makes your boss question your stability. “CHOO-CHOO”ing food into anyone’s mouth at all-you-can-drink brunch creeps out your friends who have operated their own forks for decades.

Regardless of where you have been using onomatopoeia, we are here for you. At Onomatopoeia Anonymous, our mission is to work with you to give up the CRACK and equip you for re-entry into the professional, adult world.

If you or a loved one is experiencing onomatopoeia mania, we are the support group for you. We use a community-based approach for those struggling with onomatopoeia by fostering a dialogue, in daily meetings, with real words. For years, people making sounds with their mouths has annoyed everyone around them. It’s time to speak up and have a dialogue in plain, old English.

There are no requirements for joining OA, besides the desire to stop sounding like a drive time radio soundboard.

After taking out all the god stuff from Alcoholics Anonymous, OA’s pared-down 5 Step Program asks members to recognize the power of addiction, recognize where their cacophonous babble comes from, and understand how this disturbing habit negatively affects those around them.

We know it can be hard for sleep-deprived moms and dads to formulate coherent sentences while dealing with young children. Studies now show that 70 percent of dialogue with infants and toddlers is asking them what sound an animal makes. We have certified linguistic and behavioral academics who can slowly transition you back to using your big boy and girl words around other big boys and girls.

We know you are not a superhero! You’re a mere mortal!

But we need you to realize that too! Soundtracking your bombastic moves with robotic noises isn’t as cute as you think it is. Our meetings are designed to thump you off the THUMPs and wean you off the WEEEEEEEs.

Quarantine is slowly coming to an end, and our quirky at-home behaviors just won’t cut it back in the real world. There has never been a more pressing time for rejiggering your decorum for others. We know it isn’t easy. But joining OA is cheaper and more humane than a lobotomy, and that’s why we are here to help.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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