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Cell phone never gets below 80 percent power

Can get any lid off with the first twist

Always gets through to radio station contests as the 15th caller

Easily folds a fitted sheet

Dispenses the exact right amount of ketchup on the first shake

Possesses a seemingly unlimited number of quarters without ever jingling

Always gets a tax refund

Parallel parks in two moves

Can locate pay stubs and W2s going back to part-time high school job

Weather is always 75 and sunny when he takes a day off

Knows the precise window of availability for Shamrock Shakes and Girl Scout Cookies

Purchases strawberries that stay fresh for 4-5 days

Has never gotten the spinning beach ball of death on his Macbook

Never runs out of coffee filters

Capable of putting together anything from IKEA without looking at instructions

His tires retain the exact right amount of pressure at all times

Renders SMS technology temporarily useless in any movie theatre he patronizes

Dictates to Comcast the exact time they will show for service appointment

Jessica Dunton Fidalgo

Jessica is a former stage actor who now has a real paycheck, health care and 2 strapping Yankee kiddoes. She’s lived in NYC, Chicago, and DC but prefers a Maine crabcake above any other.

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