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6:00 A.M. – Wife’s alarm goes off, I go back to sleep

6:41 A.M. – I hear my wife’s loud hairdryer, but then go back to sleep

7:24 A.M. – Wife opens the refrigerator and it makes a noise, back to sleep

7:29 A.M. – Wife slams the door as she leaves for work, sleep

8:00 A.M. – Alarm goes off, hit snooze

8:08 A.M. – Repeat

8:16 A.M. – Repeat

8:24 A.M. – Check calendar on phone…first call isn’t until 9:30…reset alarm for 8:58

8:58 A.M. – Alarm goes off, hit snooze

9:06 A.M. – Alarm goes off, turn it off, get out of bed, put on sweatshirt, pajama pants and fleece socks that I quietly took off the night before and left on the floor by the bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping wife

9:08 A.M. – Turn on Keurig, open fridge, drink OJ from the bottle, all in one motion

9:09 A.M. – Go to the bathroom, pee sitting down, fart a bit

9:11 A.M. – Make first cup of coffee

9:13 A.M. – Check personal Gmail

9:15 A.M. – Check sports scores and/or fantasy team(s)

9:21 A.M. – Check & answer work email

9:30 A.M. – Dial in to conference call

9:32 A.M. – Discussion about weather ends, person who called the meeting transitions to serious voice and begins discussing work things

9:37 A.M. – Half paying attention, half adjusting fantasy lineup(s)

9:48 A.M. – Practice putting on the office carpet

9:52 A.M. – Someone on the call asks “Is Mike still on?”

9:52 A.M. – Run back to phone and say “Sorry I was on mute”

9:53 A.M. – Deliver an effective answer to a stupid question

9:54 A.M. – Back to putting

9:59 A.M. – Unmute again to establish next steps and thank everyone for their time

10:00 A.M. – Make second cup of coffee

10:02 A.M. – Gather a banana, some yogurt, and frozen berries to make a smoothie

10:03 A.M. – Realize that the blender thing is dirty

10:04 A.M. – Eat a deconstructed smoothie consisting of a couple spoonfuls of yogurt and the banana

10:07-10:29 A.M. – Focus on work (phone calls, emails, proposals, etc.)

10:30 A.M. – Big Poop

10:35 A.M. – Back to work

10:45 A.M. – Crack my first La Croix of the day, orange flavored

10:46-10:59 A.M. – Internet stuff

11:00 A.M. – Lunch #1…reheated Lo Mein & Kung Pao chicken from 2 nights earlier

11:22-11:59 A.M. – Digest while watching old Sopranos clips on YouTube

Noon – Medium Poop

12:15 P.M. – Finally get around to that expense report from last month

12:40 P.M. – La Croix #2, switching to pamplemousse

12:41-12:59 P.M. – Surf the web for cheap flights and vacation packages for a getaway that I’ll never go on

1:00-1:29 P.M. – Internal conference call organized by a minimally useful coworker in an attempt to show that they provide value

1:30 P.M. – Lunch #2…sausage quesadilla on the panini press

1:42 P.M. – Watch last night’s DVRed Always Sunny

2:05 P.M. – Sporcle

2:23 P.M. – Put on gym clothes

2:25 P.M. – Smaller Poop

2:30-2:59 P.M. – Meaningless conference call

3:00 P.M. – Gchat with friends who are also bored at work

3:10 P.M. – Another La Croix…sticking with pamplemousse

3:11 P.M. – Follow up on a proposal, close a deal, justify the entire day

3:45 P.M. – Prepare afternoon snack (something with peanut butter)

3:46-4:00 P.M. – YouTube

4:00-4:48 P.M.
– Last conference call of the day

4:49-5:20 P.M. – Emails, wrap up the day

5:21 P.M. – Pre-Dinner Poop

5:30-6:09 P.M. – Internet stuff

6:10 P.M. – Wife calls asking if she can pick anything up on the way home

6:11 P.M. – Brush teeth

6:15 P.M. – Wife calls again asking what’s for dinner

6:16 P.M. – Order delivery from a restaurant specializing in an Americanized version of an Asian cuisine

6:18 P.M. – Change into dirty jeans and a clean t-shirt, put on a hat

6:20-6:40 P.M. – Sportscenter

6:41 P.M. – Wife arrives home, discuss her day, pretend that mine was difficult

6:58 P.M. – Possibly open up a bottle of wine depending on how drunk the wife perceived that I got the night before

7:00-7:59 P.M. – Eat dinner, watch Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy

8:00-10:15 P.M. – Binge-watch 3 episodes of an addictive TV show on a streaming service

10:16 P.M. – Wife gets ready for bed

10:17-12 A.M. – Watch sports, sports highlights or sports commentary programming

12:01-12:45 A.M. – Fire up the PS2 and play some Madden 2005 against the computer

12:45-1:20 A.M. – Internet stuff

1:21 A.M. – Brush teeth again (but sometimes for the first time)

1:24 A.M. – Quietly take off sweatshirt, pajama pants and fleece socks carefully not to disturb my sleeping wife, get into bed

1:25-1:50 A.M. – Think about stuff

1:51 A.M. or later – Fall asleep

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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