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Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glows


All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games


Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say,

“Rudolph went and called HR,

Now we need a seminar.”


You can’t exclude by one’s looks

Nor the colors on one’s face

We judge reindeer on merit

Segregation has no place


Oh how the reindeer bristled

Dasher called it just a lark

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Why’d you have to be a narc?”


Dancer was the loudest critic

“Rudolph hasn’t paid his dues

More affirmative action

Thanks Obama and fake news”


Prancer rolled his eyes at Santa

Still hung up on his visage

“Rudolph is clearly Jewish—

Didn’t you see that schnoz?”


Santa was kinda baffled

Why the reindeer seemed so pissed

This talk was supposed to clean up

North Pole Corporate’s naughty list


Vixen became defensive

Meant to say under his breath,

“Red Rudolph the commie libtard

Is only here to cause unrest”


Comet wondered aloudly,

“Did we forget how to joke?

The North Pole’s new crop of rookies

Care far too much ‘bout being woke.”


Cupid was next to push back

Speaking as the union rep,

“Allegations of any —isms

Are a libelous misstep.”


Donner was more conflicted,

“Rudolph won’t respect our ways

He won’t say ‘Merry Christmas’

It’s always ‘Happy Holidays.’”


Santa explained exclusions

On age, or sex, or history

“These are the rules we’re changing

Since we’re 501(c)(3).


“Diversity in the workplace

Promotes creativity

If we don’t hire Rudolph

We’re worse than Bon Appetit.”


Blitzen was more persuasive

Reminded them they’d all be gone.

“Let’s adapt the business model

Or be replaced by Amazon.”


Then how the others gave in

Ran out of defensive moves

Now all of the leery reindeer

Welcomed him with open hooves


Nine reindeer worked in tandem

Solved problems as a diverse team

Fewer toys made in China

The modern-day American Dream


Rudolph the “reg” nosed reindeer

Guides the sleigh with skill and grace

And the reindeer finally saw it

Once they got past his face.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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