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An Astronaut

To Whom It May Concern,

You may not get many letters from astronauts, but that is what I do for a living. I have dedicated my life to science, and have been fortunate enough to spend over 600 days in space. While I certainly could use a vanity plate to brag about my space travel in a more overt manner, that is not my style. During my time aboard the International Space Station, I developed an affinity for a certain orange drink, and that is how I have chosen to express myself. I would appreciate it if you would stop rejecting my application for the vanity plate TANGLVR. I have served my country well and do not deserve to be stonewalled in such a manner.


Peggy Whitson


A Business Owner

Dear Sir or Madam,

As a small business owner, it is important that I find creative ways to promote my products and services. Having a personalized license plate for my work vehicle is a no-brainer. I am an honest, hardworking Christian man, and I am deeply offended that you would ascribe any nefarious or sexual meaning to my product’s name. I have worked hard to create and promote something that would make a meaningful contribution to the spa industry, specifically pedicures. Too many people neglect their feet, our original means of transportation. Few would argue that the pedi-fyl fails to fit that description. Obviously, I would proudly drive my company car with a personalized plate that read PEDIFYL. Your office’s insistence that there is some sort of perverted sex connotation to the name that passed diligent market research is shocking, and frankly belies the depraved minds in your employ.


John Aberforth


An Apiarist

Dear DMV,

First of all, I don’t need your smug editorializing. A simple rejection letter would have sufficed. Or even better, you could just let me have my fun license plate. I understand the issues you raised, but you didn’t need to call it “an obviously dumb idea.” I love my bees and want to show it. I know that drunk driving is serious, but the word BUZZED has more than one meaning. Why not just let me have it? If I get pulled over more often, that risk is on me.


Janet Wilson


A Compost Queen

To Whom It May Concern,

I’ve been in the natural fertilizer business for many years. That’s something I’m proud of, especially considering that it’s a male dominated field. I’m proud to have started a business at a time when there were no other women doing it. I’m proud to have grown that business. And I’m proud that my work helps the environment as well as farmers. I consider your rejection of my license plate P00NANY to be a slap in the face.


Nan Yarbury, businesswoman and entremanure


A Surfer Girl

Dear DMV Daddy-o’s,

Aw gosh. I got your rejection letter, and it’s a real drag. But I’ve experienced rejection before. I always wanted to surf, but all the fellas told me that girls don’t surf. Especially not a runt like me. But Moon Doggy believed in me. He taught me how to surf. He said it was because I showed so much spunk that he knew I could do it. People are always telling me I’m spunky. That’s why I think it would just be far out if I could have a license plate on my hot rod that says SPUNK. Please, reconsider.

All the best,

Francis “Gidget” Lawrence

Dennis William

Dennis is an aspiring English teacher and still listens to ska music. He lives in Portland, Oregon, which is fine, just not in the same way that DC is fine.

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