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When cooking your favorite recipe to bring to the party, remember to not only prepare the dish while wearing a mask and gloves, but to film yourself doing so as well. Serve next to an iPad displaying the footage on a loop.

Repeated trips to the cooler represent a potential hurdle to social distancing. Minimize them by consuming one beer, then filling the empty container with grain alcohol.

Keep the flirting with your fellow partygoers within pre-quarantine levels. Lines like, “I will marry you if you so much as brush a fingertip over my solitude-draped shoulders” might sound good in the moment but can lead to trouble down the line.

In case someone reveals they’re doing far better during quarantine than you are, have a story prepared about a fictitious tropical vacation that, sadly, won’t be taking place due to the coronavirus outbreak. Feel free to embellish this with claims that you had “just started to go hard in the gym” before it shut down.

Because you’ll be standing 6 feet away, make sure to compensate by speaking in a louder voice as you passive-aggressively question the grilling technique of the person barbecuing,

During the fireworks display, keep your eyes on the fireworks. Resist the urge to read your neighbors’ faces in an attempt to figure out which of them is the asshole that’s been setting these things off since May.

While being around so many people in a good mood after months without much to celebrate will no doubt feel great, try not to chase that high by suggesting everyone get back together and celebrate July’s lesser holidays. National Aunt and Uncle Day, World Hepatitis Day, and Be Nice to Jersey Week are their own reward.


John Papageorgiou

John hosts a long running comedy radio show titled Papa's Basement. He also performs standup and improv and drummed once for a Unitarian church.

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