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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.


1. Philadelphia Eagles

Flat tire? Nope. Low on gas? Not even close. Overrated? How about we drop 51 points on the league’s “best” defense? It looks like this Eagles team has it all, which will make their NFC championship game loss hurt just that much more.

2. Hollywood Rams

A hundred miles up 95-North the new and improved Showtime Rams put on a 51-point performance of their own. The second best record in the NFL is 6-2, shared by 5 teams. Surprisingly, Sean McVay’s squad is one of them. A team that went 4-12 last year is firmly in the playoff conversation in their young head coach’s first season at the helm.

How young is McVay? Let me put it in perspective… Sean McVay was just having his first legal drink at 21 years-old when Marvin Harrison shot and killed a guy.

3. Dallas Cowboys

Perhaps the most impressive victory of the day was Dallas’ steady 28-17 beating of the Chiefs. The ‘Boys scored a TD each quarter, and would have won by more had they not run the most pathetic prevent defense in league history to close out the first half.

Dak & Co. will go to Atlanta this week, then host the Eagles in one of the most anticipated games of the year. The question is whether or not their horse is coming with them…

4. Ezekiel Elliott Fantasy Owners

At this point I have lost count of how many times Zeke has gone from suspended to not suspended. I never got that intern to help me with research so instead I will try to remember off the top of my head:

Summer = Suspended! Falls to second or third round of fantasy drafts

Week 1 = He can play! Granted some sort of injunction? I’m not a legal scholar.

Weeks 2-5 = Touch-and-go but he does some appeal thing and he keeps playing.

Week 6 = He is suspended again! Nerds rush to pick up Alfred Morris and Darren McFadden.

Week 7 = Elliott gets a temporary restraining order and can play again! The first time an NFL player has ever wanted a restraining order.

Week 9 = The suspension is reinstated!

Later in Week 9 = Administrative Stay!?! He can play against the Chiefs!

Week 10 = WHO KNOWS!?!

5. Sophomore Quarterbacks

A quartet of quarterbacks from the 2016 draft class started this week and went 4-0. Not only were they victorious, but they piled up the stats as well. Wentz, Goff, Prescott and Jacoby Brissett combined for 1,067 passing yards, 12 touchdowns and zero interceptions. So much for a sophomore slump. Great days for them, another bad day/week/month/year/existence for the Cleveland Browns’ front office.

6. Class of 2007

While we’re shouting out the Sophs we need to also give a nod to the super-super-super-super-super-super-super-Seniors. It was a big week for the guys drafted 11 years ago as well: Adrian Peterson tallied 167 yards, Marshawn Lynch scored a pair of touchdowns, and Calvin Johnson might be making a comeback!*

*With the trade deadline approaching there was apparently some chatter about certain teams approaching the Lions about a trade to acquire Megatron. Nobody asked him though, and all signs point to him staying retired.

In other news, Ed Werder is reporting that Brett Favre also plans to remain retired.

7. Tom Brady

TB12 is leading the NFL in passing at 40 years old. His team has the best record in the AFC. His organization just traded away their 2nd-round-pick backup QB because they’re confident that he will play at a high level for the foreseeable future.

Then he goes and dominates his bye week by Instagramming our collective faces off. That picture of Gisele on the beach is both diabolical and calculated. He knows what he’s doing. If you come at the King you best not miss. Best of luck Jimmy. GOAT indeed.

8. Bye Week Blues

The Blues is real folks, and this week was especially difficult for fantasy owners. It’s all fun and games when you nerds get together in August to draft your teams. At that point the bye weeks seem so far away that it isn’t worth worrying about. And then it happens… the blues set in and they set in HARD. Similar to the Sunday Scaries, except they hit on Tuesday morning when you look ahead to the next week’s match up and realize that your QB, best RB, and both WRs are on a bye.

This week was a tough one for the geeks: Brady, Gronk, and the Pats’  entire backs/receivers committee were not options. Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown were sipping daiquiris poolside. Jordan Howard, Jerick McKinnon, and all of the Vikings receivers were getting some much needed R&R. Melvin Gordon was rehabbing his foot while Philip Rivers was probably getting his wife pregnant again. There are no bye weeks for Mrs. Rivers.

9. My Perseverance

Last week I announced my retirement from gambling. It was a difficult decision, but one that I thought was best for all parties involved, with the exception of my bookie. But then a funny thing happened, a little miracle in the form of a forgotten tease. With all the dumb bets and bad beats I had suffered on Sunday I had forgotten about one open wager, a 4-team tease with a nice little payout that was still alive going into Monday night’s game…

…and just like that, I was back. I learned a valuable lesson: Never ever decide to quit a bad habit on a Monday morning. Monday morning is when we are at our weakest. It takes strength to rid ourselves of our vices… but it takes even more strength to decide to carry these demons with you and survive in spite of them.

Long story short I decided to put the teaser winnings into an all-or-nothing college parlay…

…and despite the Clemson push was able to get just under a 3x payout to carry me back into Sunday. Nobody likes a quitter!

10. My Bookie

Of course I gave it all back. Fucking Seahawks.

 

Also Receiving Votes: Colin Kaepernick, Cody Parkey, Eugene Marquis Hilton, The Titanic, Potato Sack Races, Brawls and Jack Del Rio’s Balls.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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