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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. 

Mike can’t be with us this week so I am taking over the rankings for a week. Without further ado…

1. Mortality

What a week for really appreciating one’s good health. Helps if you aren’t Dak Prescott, the Tennessee Titans, the New England Patriots, or the 7.8 million people in this country who have had a confirmed coronavirus case. Bonus shout out to Alex Smith who took his 17 times surgeried leg and decided that playing football was still the best choice for him.

Now that the important stuff is out of the way, let’s get to the best teams in the NFL. Five weeks have come and gone and it’s time to get serious about who is good at the footballing.

2. The Seattle Seahawks

The only 5 and 0! The NFC and NFL’s standing’s topper. This week, the “Let Russ Cook” movement was aided by a Vikings bowel movement late in the fourth quarter. The Seahawks now get an actually scheduled week off before their schedule gets tough: four division games and traveling east to play the Bills.

3. The Packers

Just because Aaron Rodgers didn’t show up this week, doesn’t mean that we should take away his spot. After all, the Rodgers family still sets a seat at Christmas dinner for him every year.

4. The Browns

A win over the Colts puts the Browns at 4 and 1, which is good enough for a familiar 3rd place in the AFC North. And a date this week with their arch rival Pittsburgh Steelers. Last season, when these two met, one football player ripped another football player’s helmet off his head and then bashed his unprotected skull with it, because he says the other player called him the N-word! I really hope CBS previews the game with that exact sentence.

5. The COVID-BYE week

And here you had conditioned your family that they got one week every autumn for you to go apple picking and pumpkin patching. But thanks to a deadly pandemic, your team has an extra (or different) week off! You can be the parent/spouse/partner/human being you’ve always promised and break away from the TV for the afternoon. Pro tip: make sure the farm you go to is in a 5G network.

6. Thick Dick Nick

The Bears’ win over the Buccaneers means that Nick Foles extends his meaty, legendary, unblemished record to 2 and 0 against The Goat.

7. Matt Rhule’s Tale of Two Cities

You may not know him, but Matt Rhule is the rookie head coach of the Carolina Panthers. He left his job as head coach at Baylor to take this job. Currently the Panthers are a surprise playoff team, and Baylor is sidelined because more than 40 of their players have COVID. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

8. Time

Some ugly losses and/or performances for 42 year-old Tom Brady, 38 year-old Philip Rivers, 41 year-old Drew Brees, and somehow only 35 year-old Matt Ryan. Woof.

9. Donald Trump

He brought football back. People forget that.

10. The Buffalo Bills

Going 5 and 0 was within reach! I had already written them into the No. 2 spot this week! They saw the Patriots losing games and taking COVID L’s and had only open field ahead of them! Now they face the Chiefs on a short week and get to rediscover gravity.

Others Receiving Votes: Dan Quinn’s Netflix Queue, Dak Prescott Moral Victories, Red Rocket Jokes, The Raiders Back to Being Back, Charles Claypool Fantasy Owners, Not Having Any Titans/Bills/Patriots/Broncos on Your Fantasy Team, Tuesday Night Football, Wednesday Night Watching Whatever Your Spouse Wants to Watch.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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