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Incidents of Women Being Told to Smile Down 60 Percent

Experts say that face coverings and social distancing have caused most men to abandon telling women how much prettier they’d be if they smiled. “No one tell them about smizing,” says Molly Koepcheck of Akron, Ohio.

Meal Rosters Bolstered

Various meal prep websites, like and, are still hitting record traffic numbers. “Approximately one-third of new recipes attempted during quarantine will become permanent fixtures in our collective repertoire,” says clairvoyant with a bizarre focus, Jupiter Manilow of Joshua Tree, California.

We’re All Future Interview Subjects

In two to three decades, the first wave of elementary school children, at the behest of their teachers, will begin to interview us, the survivors of the COVID plague, for a class project. In 100 years, newspapers across the nation will hound Asher Brockton, last surviving COVID baby. “It’s a fun way for them to connect with history and learn what life was like in a different time period,” says Michael Bishop, a yet-to-be-born 4th grade teacher in Albertville, Michigan.

Long Hair Looks Good On You

“I’d been wanting to grow out my bangs,” reports Allison Goodwin, “but I had that awkward in-between phase. It’s kind of nice that I got to have that happen when I was holed up at home.” Hair care guru Jonathan Van Ness is confident that we are all pulling it off. “You look like a skinnier Chuck Klosterman,” Josh Bard tells his best friend Dennis William, both of King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.

Come On, It’s So Obvious Now

All across the nation, sketchy businesses that we were 78 percent sure were a front remain open, thereby removing all doubt. We now have 100 percent confidence that those are fronts for drugs or something. And it feels good to be right. We’ve got our ear to the streets. We’re hip to the jive. “It literally only sells cases for Android phones. How has it stayed open during a pandemic? It is absolutely a front,” declares Desean Mackey of Mississippi City, Mississippi.

Thinking Globally, Acting Locally

Smaller businesses that are truly part of their communities have shown a creativity and willingness to continue serving customers while emphasizing safety. More importantly, they have shown the smarts to know when safety isn’t possible and closed. From Portland strip clubs going drive-thru, to a Kansas City record store requiring a speakeasy style secret password to shop, to countless stores moving things outside, businesses are showing us they want to do right and deserve our loyalty. On the other hand, faceless chains are showing their whole asses by asking employees and customers to come back in exchange for the word “sacrificial” never being used. “DuRiNg tHeSe UnPrEcEdeNtEd TiMeS, i HaVe DeCiDed To RuN cOmMeRciALs oF mY eMpLoYeEs SiNgiNg iN oRdEr tO DiStRaCt YoU fRoM tHeiR sUpPreSsEd WaGeS, wHiCh KeEp tHeM nEaR pOvErTy,” says Doug McMillon of Bentonville, Arkansas.

Dank Memes

Hey, all you cool cats and kittens! Remember those “The Earth is healing, we are the virus.” memes? Those are so funny. We all are so funny. There are so many ways in which people are funny and goofy, and this down time has been a sort of artist retreat. “Oh my god,” says Anthony Kassman of Los Angeles, California. “Look at this TikTok of COVID Little Mermaid Songs.”

And Now for Something Completely Different

There’s, like, so much Monty Python content on Netflix right now. Wanna hear Eddie Izzard, Noel Fielding, and Tracy Ullman talk about their favorite Python sketches? Watch one of the four “Best of” series available to stream. “I wish you’d ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds,” says Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson of Surrey, UK.

Dennis William

Dennis is an aspiring English teacher and still listens to ska music. He lives in Portland, Oregon, which is fine, just not in the same way that DC is fine.

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