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We hope this transmission finds you in prosperous times.

2020 was another phenomenal year for Pluto, and we have never been a better candidate for re-joining the Milky Way, at planetary status. It has been 15 years since we were downgraded to “dwarf planet.” After a decade of feeling bad for ourselves, we spent the last 5 years taking steps to improve our desirability and value to the Milky Way. That work included putting on mass and looking to acquire moons, to grow and fit to your standards.

But in the last year, as we continued to wait on responses to our applications for re-entry from 2018, 2019, and 2020, we realized that before anyone else could love us, we had to love ourselves.

So this year we want to let you know that we rescind our previous applications, as we do not wish to re-enter the Milky Way.

While we have spent the last year looking inwards, we plan on spending the next few years exploring outwards—outside of the Milky Way. See, when we stopped seeing ourselves as the outermost planet, we began to see ourselves as the best positioned body to connect with other spiral galaxies and whatever happens to be out there. Instead of continuing to send ambassadors inwards, our resources will be devoted to new frontiers.

We also cancel all contracts with your planets’ defense contractors.

We do not wish to be a home for your military gear, satellites, and overnight things. If you do not wish to come collect it we can box it and ship it back to you immediately. And tell Saturn to stop sliding into our DMs.

Meanwhile, things out here in the Kuiper Belt have never been better. In 2020, we saw gains across all sectors. Our expanse of infinite darkness remains untainted by light pollution and fossil fuel emissions. In fact, the Kuiper Belt was given J.D. Power and Associates Celestial Dependability Award for the fourth straight year. And next year, we will be getting our first live Hamilton tour.

To be clear, this is not a reverse psychology tactic.

Please do not reach out to us, when you need a replacement for Earth. Our interplanetary communiques have reported on the continuing devastation their people reap on the planet. Between that and their recent population regression, due to what seems to be simple user error, we are not looking to be some kind of galaxy rebound.

It turns out it wasn’t you. It was us. We just didn’t realize that was a good thing. Hopefully we can maintain a Plutonic friendship going forwards.

Thank you,

Pluto Chamber of Commerce

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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