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I recently donated my plasma to a Virginia hospital, after getting back a positive COVID-19 antibody test. Before handing over my DNA, I asked the phlebotomist to sign the following Plasma Rider to make sure my blood was getting to the right recipients. 

Here’s an incomplete and growing list of people who are not eligible: 

Anybody who has brought a gun to a protest.

Anybody who is supplementing my plasma with hydroxychloroquine.

Anybody who thinks COVID-19 was created in a lab to destroy one person.

Anybody who won’t put a vaccine into their body.

Anybody who cares more about haircuts than grandparents.

Anybody who has screamed “Fake news” at a journalist in the last three-and-a-half years.

Anybody who uses the term “fur baby” seriously.

“Doctors” Oz, Phil, and Drew.

Anybody who is still upset that Crash won Best Picture.

Anybody who has ever said, “make me a sandwich” in that way.

Chris, the editor (and gatekeeper) at McSweeney’s who has rejected four of my pieces.

Anybody who equates the national anthem with caring about the troops.

Anybody who doesn’t believe in science. (Using antibodies as a remedy is science; it’s only fair.)

Anybody who uses FaceTime as they walk outside, instead of using the phone feature.

Anybody who is still buying Chips Ahoy! cookies in 2020.

Jeff Bezos.

Anybody who kicks the seat in front of them, ever.

Anybody who knows what channel number OANN is.

Anybody who had a cash bar at their wedding.

Anybody who’s ever tweeted a picture and the word “#obligatory.”

Anybody in the Barstool Sports comments section.

Papa John.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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