0 – Petting my dog.
1 – Not wanting to get out of bed.
2 – Internet going out at an inopportune time.
3 – Feeling fat after looking in a mirror.
4 – Remembering incidents when I embarrassed myself publicly.
5 – Dislocated patella.
6 – Car moving 20-ish mph hitting my bike and the subsequent slide into a curb.
7 – Two-by-four to the head.
8 – Repeated kicks to the face and back by five people I thought were friends.
9 – Crying by myself in a garage that belongs to the man I’m still in love with, listening to him walking around in the kitchen above me after slipping in through the unlocked back door, which was the plan he had approved so we wouldn’t have to see each other; tired from the 112th night in a row sleeping on a futon in my brother’s living room, self-destructive, 85 pounds underweight, sick to the point I will soon almost die; pawing through his storage space to find a photocopy of my old driver’s license; my mother, who flew across the country to try and fix me, parked outside in a rented silver Nissan Versa, waiting to drive me to the post office so we can apply for a birth certificate to replace my stolen ID; my snot and tears collecting in the greyblack dust that sticks to my knees; wondering if he can hear me, what clothes he’s wearing, what cereal he’s eating for breakfast, knowing the whole time that he’s already moved on, and fearing I never fully will.*
10 – Watching my parents grieve for their parents.