Did you know that the ingredients in pumpkin spice not only evoke the majesty of fall but also help Millennials destroy retail industries faster and more efficiently through the occult arts? We recently interviewed members of the secretive group International Department of Industry Obliteration by Millennials (aka IDIOM) to find out how pumpkin spice lattes are used to target new industries for precise destruction by the “Me Generation.” Read on to find out how!
The fall ingredient of pumpkin spice begins with ground cinnamon. Its slightly bitter, slightly sweet taste is vital to the overall flavor profile of any latte worth its pumpkin spice. Cinnamon’s bitterness reflects the Millennial attitude that is also essential in destroying industries related to the culinary arts. We met Charles Schlosberg, a fellow Millennial and Executive Director of IDIOM, in the organization’s underground lair, as nameless attendants in dark robes set up the ritual space to begin the yearly Rite of Industry Destruction.
“When we target retail restaurant chains with psychic energy during our annual group fall ritual, we have to really feel that bitterness that comes with the cinnamon flavor,” says Schlosberg, as he sips a pumpkin spice latte purchased from a ubiquitous coffee chain, one of the few this toxic generation patronizes. “Anyone can send destructive psychic power to ruin a place of business, but to make an industry actually fail? That requires pumpkin spice. It has the strength to generate a special sort of destructive power and send it into the noosphere. Over this past year we successfully killed the napkin industry, the beer industry, Buffalo Wild Wings, and Applebee’s, so I think we’re off to a great start.”
As for IDIOM’s other culinary targets? “Oh, and we also managed to kill marmalade before fall even started! Next year will probably be even better.”
No pumpkin spice latte is complete without ginger! The fiery ginger flavor helps bring an overall “bite” to the beverage. Ginger also helps Millennials force retail industries to collapse from within, says Lady Amortentia, a sorceress also serving as Chief Information Officer of IDIOM.
“Fire is a force of inspiration, but also destruction,” says Amortentia, sipping an iced pumpkin spice latte from a plastic cup. “We use that destructive force to crush industries that are wider in scope, like home ownership, gyms, the golfing industry, and hotel loyalty programs. A precise blast of aetheric energy to a specific industry makes it fall apart quickly. It’s so quick and fun, the exact opposite of our generation’s overall ability to achieve the American Dream.” Fascinating!
Don’t forget nutmeg! Its pungent fragrance and warm sweet taste make it a must have in pumpkin spice lattes. In large doses it also helps the Millennial members of IDIOM successfully channel aetheric currents, giving them the strength to ruin nearly everything and survive the terrible economic climate of the early 21st century. Wow, it’s sure feeling strange here in the central chamber—are you guys already starting the ritual? Guys?
Move over, cinnamon! Because Allspice is here to help balance the other sweet flavors in pumpkin spice with some added spiciness. The smooth peppery overtone adds more depth to beverages and food, and also lends more psychic strength to the occult ritual going on right now in this very room! Wow, I’m sure glad I’m not a retail industry right now, ‘cause those mysterious chants sound terrifying!
The deeply sweet aroma of ground cloves rounds out the overall texture of anything pumpkin spice. Kind of like the sweetness that these Millennials feel after destroying multiple retail industries in minutes! Goodbye Target! Farewell Best Buy! And I know you liked to pretend you’d one day shop in that string of trendy little shops in your downtown area, but it’s too late. They’re all gone now. And to be honest, they didn’t even put up a fight.
Even though I didn’t take part in the ritual just now, the destructive energy in the room is palpable. I don’t take any particular side in IDIOM’s quest, but as a Millennial, I do feel a little excited about what industry we’ll destroy next!
Also, have you seen this amulet? The Headmaster of IDIOM gave it to me. Go ahead, hold it in your hand. Feel its weight. Stare at its glowing center. Feel the power of the almighty Millennial!