We live in divisive times here in America. The Left and the Right cannot see eye to eye, and the Center is holding on by a thread.
I am running for political office on a platform of reunion.
“Restore the Center,” I say!
I believe there are crucial things all Americans can rally ‘round. These are meat and potatoes issues (or tofu, orzo, or chicken-fried steak, if you like those things; I’ve no wish to offend). Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, and Independents can get behind these great positions with enthusiasm. Heck, even the Greens and Socialists can join in. We are ecumenical here—a Big Tent—in the “No Bad Ideas” party.
Here are my campaign promises.
- I will fight for legislation that bans that nagging 0.9¢ included in all gas prices. Imagine! Now you’ll know how much ten gallons cost without all that pesky extra arithmetic.
- Six hot dogs! Eight hot dog buns! I will do away with this abomination on Day One.
- RoboCalls! Am I right? Who’s with me?!
- You know that “Have a Penny, Take a Penny” plastic dish at the 7-11 checkout? If there’s a hundred pennies in the tray when you’re checking out, claim and redeem them for a free lottery ticket! Live the dream. Don’t forget to share your winnings with the cashier. (Does this smack of socialism? Gee, I hope not. Perhaps I should talk to my campaign manager.)
(4a. Should we get rid of the penny? I invite the debate even it will anger the copper lobby.)
- All shoes purchased online will arrive at your door with the laces already in place. And, you can choose cross-laced or straight-laced (for that smart look). I will hoof it with the shoe lobby to bring this long overdue service to the American people.
- I will mandate masks. Yes, I’m going to the mat on this one; not only for surgeons in the operating room but also for those self-important anesthesiologists who think the rules don’t apply to them.
- I will call for a Constitutional amendment. If you get stuck in the center seat on any flight longer than two hours, both of those armrests are YOURS!
- Out of respect for our citizens who lean Right, passing on the right will still be illegal… but will not be enforced. (As for passing on the left… er, I have no comment at this time.)
- Fans vote on the pre-game anthem: (i) Francis Scott Key’s version or (ii) Young Jeezy’s “My President.” The winning choice will be played at high-speed and end in 25 seconds. Time for the game!
- NO MORE PASSWORDS! (Smart, right?)