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Hi, my name is Josh Bard and I am head of programming at Netflix, and blood type AB negative. Our humble little service provider has blossomed into a content megalith over the last decade. We’ve won shelves-full of Emmys, produced endless comedy specials and documentaries, and for the first time ever, earned a nomination for Best Film at the Academy Awards. Additionally Netflix stock has been a great moneymaker, as we are continually adding new subscribers almost as quickly as we are adding new seasons of fan favorite TV series.

But recently, researchers and developers at Netflix discovered a small threat to our future programming.

According to our forecasts, we will be out of murders and murder investigations to document by the summer of 2020. Those familiar with our products understand how crucial true crime content is for our company. Whether it is a single murder, an unsolved murder, a set of murders from one serial killer, or even (gulp) murders from other countries in foreign languages with subtitles, we have delivered it and you have watched it.

But by next June, our murder case list will be bone dry. Simply put, we need your help.

If you have considered a murder, or a spree of murders, please PLEASE go ahead with it already. If you have not yet considered a rampage ending in a moderate to substantial body count, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? YOU COULD BE A STAR LIKE STEVEN AVERY OR MICHAEL PETERSON!

Sorry for getting emotional, we are just so passionate about our high quality Netflix true crime documentaries! A few more notes about our call-to-action on those future “alleged” murders. If possible please be attractive before you commit murder, and if you cannot be attractive, please PLEASE murder someone who is. Our market research says it plays better.

Also, weird sex stuff, please, if you can swing it.

We understand not everyone can, which is why, as a backup request, we’d love for some bizarre evidence left behind at the scene. Something like (but not necessarily) a sweatshirt with a name tag or a takeout food bag filled with bone fragments. Maybe they are a victim or maybe they are chicken remains. DNA testing and other science methodology scenes track well.

If you are a cop and murder is completely against your moral fiber and job description, fear not!

You are the brave men and women that our society depends upon for obstruction of justice. You have the incredibly rare opportunity to impede and botch murder cases, adding episodes and potentially seasons of material if you make it look like an accident. Triple murder merit points if you leave the viewer thinking a conspiracy is under foot! We can already hear those water cooler conversations!

“But there are still so many murders!” I am sure you are screaming into the finite air of your safe room. Yes, we at Netflix understand and appreciate your concern, but already have production deals with every murder committed in the last 2 years and are still coming up short on our programming goals, and your bloodthirst for our crime shows.

We have tried to jump head first into the white collar crime genre, but no one cared about our Bernie Madoff feature, and our Fyre Festival doc wasn’t as good as our competitor’s. Then we went back to blue collar crime but our kidnapping series was too big of a bummer. We even took a quick foray into true crime parody, but cancelled American Vandal after two seasons.

While we plan on stringing out Orange is the New Black until your parents finally stop asking their children if they’ve seen the new season, we need to have other options. Murders may be our last vestige! And while that sounds dire, it has kept microfiche and podcasting alive!

We know you have a choice when it comes to your streaming entertainment options, and we appreciate you choosing to murder. For us, but really for you.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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