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March 11, 2020
Dear Neighbor,
Hello! ‘Tis I. Your neighbor from downstairs. You might remember me from such occasions as waving politely as I take the trash out. I hope you’re doing well in light of this coronavirus—do you think it’s going to be a thing? I sure hope not!
So, I live in the apartment below you, which, I know, I just said. Awkward! Right? LOL. Anyway, I’m usually good about minding my own business, but I couldn’t help but notice that you recently got a Peloton. That must be exciting!
Unrelated, I am attaching the building’s documented quiet hours, just as a reminder. But mostly wanted to check in and make sure you’re feeling healthy.
Kindly yours,
Unit A
March 18, 2020
Dear Neighbor,
Hi there! I didn’t hear back but just wanted to make sure you got my note since I hadn’t heard a response (except for the rhythmic whirring of your Peloton, of course!). It’s great that you’re able to find some activity during the stay at home order. I wonder how long it’ll last, don’t you?
I’m reattaching the quiet hours, in case they didn’t come through the first time. Just trying to be helpful! Please write back and confirm receipt.
Stay at home & save lives!
Unit A
April 20, 2020
Dear Neighbor,
It’s been a while and just wanted to check in from down yonder (LOL). This stay at home order is still going, huh? I don’t mean to make light of those suffering during a global pandemic, but I am dying in here! LOL!
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that last night, I *did* hear you spinning (is that what they call it in Peloton? Or does it have its own cool, branded lexicon?) in your Peloton class last night. And while it sounded like a great session, it was outside the documented quiet hours. It’s not a big deal *to me* but I just don’t want to make sure you don’t get in trouble with anyone else in the building, you know?
Trying to maintain a “chill” vibe and all.
Happy 4/20! (LOL)
Unit A
April 22, 2020
Hey Neighbor,
An important FYI, for starters—I have been disinfecting the pen used to write these notes and I’m currently wearing gloves and a mask. Just in case you’re worried about contracting COVID-19. It’s important for me to set an example on being a respectful neighbor. In my experience, all the residents here at Dover Gardens believe in the Golden Rule!
So. The Peloton. How’s that going? Sounds like you’re really improving. If I’m not mistaken, you’re up to TWO hours of classes per day—is that right? Wow. We should send you right to the Tour de France! I wish! God help us if you get to three classes. I might have to move out! LOL
Anyway, I read an article recently that made me think of you (attached). Did you know that “stay at home” orders actually don’t require you to stay in your home? Misleading, I know! But the good news is that outdoor exercise is apparently a big thumbs up!
Thought I should share in case you wanted to take your bike back outside for those workouts. A little Vitamin D would be good for your immune system.
Just trying to help!
Unit A
May 14, 2020
Dear Neighbor,
I can’t believe it’s been 8 weeks of this shit. I’ll be honest, buddy, I’m pretty much at the end of my rope. I miss social contact more than anything in the world right now.
Anyway, I wanted to ask a quick question. Just for research purposes, really.
So, you know how this COVID crisis is exposing many of society’s hidden issues? Well, I was hoping you’d offer your take on some of the things I’ve heard about Peloton of late:
- What do you make of the opinion that online communities like Facebook, Instagram, and your beloved Peloton are actually destroying our real-life social interactions?
- What’s your response to the concerns that the online culture of “influencers” and “fitfluencers,” who depict fictional and seemingly perfect lives and bodies, has a direct correlation to a spike in anxiety and depression?
- How do you respond to the allegations that Peloton is an exclusive cult for wealthy, detached, lonely people who prefer the sad confines of their own domiciles to interacting with real people because they fear rejection more than anything, which leaves them damn-near agoraphobic, spiraling into an even more isolated and insular existence?
- When some say that Peloton is merely a status symbol for the self-hating, fake athlete bourgeoisie, how do you respond?
No need to write an essay or anything. A few bullet points will do the trick. Just curious about your thoughts. (So bored!)
Happy 2 Month Quarantiniversary! (FML)
Unit A
June 3, 2020
Hey. Lance Armstrong.
Me again, from downstairs. You might remember me from screaming “JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!” and “DISMOUNT AT ONCE, YOU BASTARD!” last night when you were spinning your Peloton at maximum velocity, causing my wall hangings to vibrate against the walls like God herself was sending panicked morse code messages.
Anyway, it’s been 81 days since this forsaken quarantine began. This country is a fucking disaster. People are dying by the thousands. People are rioting in the streets during a pandemic. Trust in our public institutions has eroded so far that we may experience mudslides.
LOL. This country is royally—nay, constitutionally—fucked.
In light of the fragile state of humanity and my rapidly dwindling mental health, all I’m asking is for you to respect the noise ordinances here at Dover Gardens. Specifically, if you are going to ride your Peloton hellcycle, please do so only from the hours of 8:00 A.M. to 10:00 P.M. That gives you a full 14 full hours to submit to the vivacious shouts of Robin Arzon and expend whatever aggression you’re feeling.
But I swear to God, if I hear you spinning at 10:01 P.M., I will fucking END you.
Stay healthy, stay alive,
Unit A
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