My Movember Fundraiser-Fundraiser

Hi, my name is Josh Bard and I am here to talk to you about a growing problem facing our nation.

You have probably heard of Movember, the annual fundraiser that benefits men’s health, specifically targeting prostate and testicular cancer. Equally as likely, you’ve seen Movember participants, sporting gawdy, professionally-amateurish mustaches for the month of November.

If you are anything like me, you have received multiple emails from friends and loved ones asking you to donate to their Movember funds, while they grow that aforementioned unbecoming mustache. Cancer is a god awful, unrelenting son of a bitch that must be stopped, but these emails also are pretty frustrating. It’s like we get it, yeah, we hate cancer too, obviously.

That is why I am asking you today to donate to my Movember Fundraiser-Fundraiser.

Movember is the leading cause of me losing money in November, I am reaching out today and asking you to help end the negative trend afflicting at least one person you care about.

Movember has raised over $87 million to combat cancer and mental health issues affecting men, but it has also drained so much of my walking around, good times funds. Between their decent portmanteau name, their signature cartoonish mustaches, and their incredible outreach, Movember has made it scientifically impossible to say “no” to a Movember request.

You should know that 100 percent of your donations will go to the Movember organization, in my name, with deep gratitude to you. I will be happy to send you my tax returns when they have completed the anticipatory audit. Legally, I cannot divulge any information until that hypothetical investigation has been completed.

And if you are short of funds during this holiday season, please feel free to Venmo or PayPal me in the spring, for my Girl Scout Cookie fundraiser fundraiser, so I can help local Girl Scout troops meet their fiscal goals, while I meet my dessert necessities.

With your help, I can say “yes” to the fundraising efforts of many, without sacrificing too much of my own well being. And in the end, isn’t taking credit for others’ work, while not suffering anything the most American thing I could possibly do in 2018?