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On November 19, 2009, my favorite comedy series, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, aired an episode dubbed “The D.E.N.N.I.S System,” in Season 5, Episode 2.

Its story follows the charming and vicious character Dennis Reynolds and the sociopathic system he developed to manipulate and win any woman’s heart, using the letters of his name. It goes as so:

The letter ‘D’ for ‘Demonstrate value’

The letter ‘E’ for ‘Engage Physically’

The letter ‘N’ for ‘Nurture dependence’

The second ‘N’ for ‘Neglect emotionally’

The letter ‘I’ for ‘Inspire hope’

And finally, the letter ‘S’ for ‘Separate entirely.’

As Dennis reveals more twisted details on his methods, he goes on to say that he would slash his victim’s tires to make them depend on him for rides, or create a fake stalker so that she would go to Dennis for help.

“This will frighten the shit out of her!” he says, in maniacal delight.

Dennis also forges prescriptions for a fake grandmother to make him seem like a caring family man, and then pretends to act as a man that was afraid to love before meeting the poor woman he’s manipulating. Then, as his methods prescribe, he vanishes completely, never to speak to her again.

While completely satirical, Dennis and his psychotic plots against women inspired me to write my own take. However, unlike Dennis, I am not a sociopath, so my system is much more innocent. Allow me to introduce to you the steps that I took to win over my partner (love ya, babe!).

This is the SYDNEY System:

The letter ‘S’ – sex appeal.

Show off my best assets, making the first impression very visual.

The letter ‘Y’ – yearning

Leave them wanting more after first meet.

The letter ‘D’ – dating

Enter a relationship and begin to date, slowly and with great patience.

The letter ‘N’ – nurture

Take care of my partner like family.

The letter ‘E’ – exclusivity

Take the next big step forward with the relationship.

The letter ‘Y’ – years

Enjoy decades of companionship and sexual triumph.

This concludes the SYDNEY System.

If you wish to follow this guide, do so at your own risk. Be cautious, be careful, protect your heart, and remember that YOU come first before anyone else.

Enjoy your relationship, lovebirds!

Sydney Walters

Copywriter, fiction author and PR professional from D.C. who scribbles in answers on trivia night and shouts at her Playstation. Sips hot tea or coffee from a Studio Ghibli mug. Paces while brainstorming. Conquers hot sauce.

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