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A room has opened up in my apartment (two bedrooms, one bath) after my last roommate suddenly vacated! I’m looking for a clean and responsible, non-smoking, professional male or female to share the space with.

The apartment is beautiful, with modern amenities including brushed steel appliances. I’ve also installed blackout blinds throughout the apartment, as I work the “night shift,” so anyone with nocturnal habits or strong sensitivities to the sun would feel right at home here. Even if maybe it feels you’re like, about to burst into flames with the slightest bit of sun! I promise, these blinds are GREAT. We’re two blocks away from the busy downtown, which means you’re sitting right on top of a hub of nightlife, teeming masses of people, out late, sometimes alone and defenseless, full of hot pumping blood. And other things too, I’m sure. Like alcohol! It’s a nice area to get a drink in, in all sorts of ways.

I like to have a good time too, but I’m primarily looking for someone tidy! Someone who can “clean up their own messes,” if you get what I mean. Someone who, according to ancient Chinese folklore, would even feel compelled to count each individual grain of rice if a bag is spilled in front of them. Guests are fine though! Feel free to have significant others / brides over whenever, and if you have some sort of glossy-eyed monotone-speaking manservant who follows you around and follows your every order except for the few rare times he manages to break free of your hypnotic thrall, we’ve always got a futon! Just warn me if he’s starting to look a little too free-willed!

Utilities are included, though any on-demand movies you rent are your own responsibility.

The room is admittedly pretty small, practically COFFIN-SIZED, if you know what I mean, but if that’s not a problem please email me! Lots of closet space—great for storing all kinds of cloaks. The room is still furnished, as my last roommate wasn’t moved out when his girlfriend stabbed him in the heart. As in, figuratively. Like, she broke up with him. There wasn’t some sort of literal wooden stake that she pounded into his heart. That would be ridiculous.

Rent is honestly a little expensive ($2021/month), but the place is worth it! If you have some sort of 18th century fortune sitting around that’s still accruing interest, trust me, you’ll be fine. I should know.

The neighbors are great! They prefer if we keep it down, but they’re real Transylvanian immigrants, and they make the best food. Real authentic. Again, I should know.

Fair warning: Parking is, honestly, a little bit of a pain. It’s impossible to find a spot after 6 P.M., honestly, you’d almost have to like, say, fly back to the apartment, turn into some small creature like a bat, and then enter through the chimney, which we all know is impossible. There’s one parking pass, and we can alternate nights, unless we happen to find some sort of strange solution. Besides that other one I was joking about. Because it was hypothetical and not real at all. The fireplace is real, though!

It’s a real wood fireplace, not a gas one! Just make sure to clean the ash out the fireplace after you use it, and be sure not to sharpen the logs to a fine point and then use them against me in single combat! I used to have an old roommate or two who were into that sort of thing, and honestly, I had to get rid of them. I should specify that I did this using the sort of normal and friendly conversation you might see on an ABC Family sitcom, and not any style of horrific supernatural violence reminiscent of the SyFy channel or your darkest and most disturbing dreams.

There used to be a mirror over the fireplace, but there no longer is, for reasons I have conveniently forgotten. You will be signing a new lease, and are not liable for these damages.


Elijah Sloan

Writer of societal manifestos, ransom notes, bomb-making manuals, secession declarations, new constitutions, and children's picture books.

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